


Can I lean on you?

by AbbyHolmes



Category: Suits (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Developing Relationship, M/M, alternative version of Harvey's try to reconcile with his mother, based on season 6 episode 12 "the painting", fluff possible later, hurt / comfort in a way, marvey, season 6
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2019-10-21 18:29:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 34,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17647697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbbyHolmes/pseuds/AbbyHolmes
Summary: After the fight with his mother (S6E12 "The painting") Harvey hastily leaves his family behind, returning to a loneliness that seems to suffocate him.Knowing that the firm is still in danger, Mike is still angry with him and Donna can't help him this time, Harvey slides down a dangerous trail of anxiety and depression.When things seem to get out of hand, his Pearson Specter Litt family rushes to his aid. But only one of them seems to be able to get through to him. Mike.(Developing Marvey)





	1. Chapter One - The voices in my head

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there :)
> 
> This is going to be my first Suits-Fanfiction, even though I wanted to write something about the show for years.  
> Episode 12 of season 6 got me thinking about what would've happened if Harvey left after the fight with his mother without reconciliation.
> 
> The begining of the story focuses mainly on Harvey, but later on I'll also get to Mike's and the other character's POV.  
> And there will be Marvey. And Angst. And Fluff. I promise.
> 
> Inspired by the Song "Bad Habit" by Ben Platt. The title (and some of the chapter's titles) are taken from it's lyrics.
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy this :)
> 
> TW: Depression, anxiety, alcohol abuse

Chapter one – The voices in my head

Harvey tried to drown out his brother shouting something after him. He didn’t turn back so he wouldn’t have to watch the disapproving headshake, the disappointment and the hurt in his brother’s eyes. He handed his suitcase to the waiting cab’s driver and got into the car.  
 “The airport please“, he said once the driver sat down behind the wheel and was surprised by the shake in his own voice.

Harvey knew the panic attack was coming before it arrived. Something inside him tingled and without another warning, he fell down the anxiety spiral. Everyone was leaving him or pushing him away. He was all alone. His breathing got uneven and his chest seemed to tighten when the shaking started. He glued his gaze to the window, kept staring at the suburban streets rolling past. Nausea crept up from his stomach into his throat and he knew he was going to be sick. His eyes started stinging. Here he was. Harvey Specter, feared shark in the big ocean of ruthless lawyers, ready to puke into a dirty old cab. „Can you pull over for a minute, please?“ His whisper was barely audible, but the driver, who had already been eyeing him in the rearview window, did as he said and stopped the car. Harvey was out before he even thought about it. His eyes registered that they were on an empty road leading out of town when his body finally let him bend over and throw up on a grass verge. He steadied himself holding onto a light post and just waited for it to be over. When there was nothing left inside him to throw up, he pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his mouth. He took a deep, shivering breath and tried to remember what his therapist had taught him. He tried not to fight the anxiety but to let it wash over him like waves that come but also go and finally calmed down enough to get back into the car.  
The driver looked at him with concern. “Everything alright, sir?”  
 “Must have eaten something spoiled.”  
 “To the airport then?”  
Harvey just nodded and leaned his head against the cool glass of the window, closing his eyes and swallowing the tears in his throat.

Back at the condo, Harvey just threw his suitcase into a corner and fixed himself a scotch before he even got out of his shoes. The liquid burned in his sore throat, but he immediately refilled the glass, fuller this time. He moved to the window overlooking the city and stared at the glittering lights in the darkness. The streets were crowded. People had somewhere to be, something to do, someone to see. Harvey hadn’t. He checked his phone only to see that Louis and Donna had called him a couple of times. He sighed. Donna had also texted him. Twice.  
  
_Donna, 02:04 pm_  
_How much do you think you owe me for sending you home? Thank me later._  
_Donna, 07:35 pm_  
_Hate to disturb your domestic family bliss but will you be back tomorrow? Louis seems to be losing it a bit and I don’t know how long I’ll be able to calm him down._  
A third one arrived just as Harvey had finished reading the second.  
_Donna, 11:43 pm_  
_Are you alright? I bet you are and I know you hate texting but just a quick note would be great. Otherwise I’ll cancel tomorrow’s appointments._  
He emptied his glass and texted back.  
_Harvey, 11:45 pm_  
_I’m fine. Will be back at the office tomorrow._  
Then he turned off his phone, grabbed the scotch-bottle and moved to the bathroom with it.

The hot water running down his spine relaxed his flight-sore muscles but not his restless thoughts. He kept replaying the conversation with his mother over and over in his mind, asking himself how he could have thought that they’d ever get along again. She hadn’t changed one bit. She still thought that her behavior could be excused, that what she had done to him could simply be erased. That it was partly his fault that they had no relationship at all when she had been the one that made him who he was. It had taken Harvey years and hours of therapy to understand that his fear of letting anyone close was rooted in his mother’s abuse of his loyalty and trust. She was the one who raised him into a man doubting everything and everyone by putting him in the position of lying to his own father. By making him stand between his parents, having to choose his loyalties between two people he equally loved. He knew his father had forgiven his mother. But Harvey couldn’t bring himself to do it. Not as long as she didn’t understand that as a parent she should have never done what she did. Because she had destroyed a part of him forever. A part that could neither be fixed by apologies nor accusations. It was lost forever, tearing him apart whenever someone left him behind. How dare she still believe that he was the one who needed to be forgiven? He wanted his mother back in his life, yes. But not if she only wanted to make him feel guilty again. He’d had enough of that already.

He was still lost in thought and anger when he wrapped a towel around his hips and poured himself his sixth scotch. He swallowed it quickly and avoided looking at himself in the mirror. It would only make the lump of guilt in his throat ache even more. He grabbed the half-empty bottle instead and went to bed with it.

He woke up from a nightmare at the middle of the night, knocking his glasses and some paperwork he had been working through before sleep off his lap. Harvey sat in the dark, panting and rubbing his shivering hand over his face. The nightmare still sat in the back of his head, making his skin crawl. He had dreamed of Mike again. Of watching him walk inside that prison, not turning back. Harvey swallowed. Mike was out of prison now, safe. He knew that. But the nightmare still haunted him the same way it had for months. His chest ached and Harvey tried to take a deep breath to make the pain go away. It didn’t work. The lump is his throat was back and darkened his thoughts. He knew the nightmare still haunted him because he deserved it. It was his fault that Mike had gone to prison. His fault he had been mistreated and beaten. His fault that he would never be a lawyer again. His fault that Mike was angry with him for barging in with his life without even asking permission. If he hadn’t employed Mike, supported him to commit fraud, covered up proofs of him not being a lawyer, endorsed him to keep going even when it got dangerous…maybe all of this would never had happened. He should have helped him to get into law school. To become a proper lawyer. Instead, he had ruined his life. He had let him go to prison for something that should have put himself behind bars as well. He hadn’t taken the fall for Mike as he should have. And now he had lost him. Lost what they’d had. It was his fault. All of it. Harvey felt his eyes sting again, and this time, in the empty silence of his bedroom, he let the tears come. They rolled down his cheeks, hot and sticky, and he just let himself fall back onto his pillow, squeezing his eyes shut to stop them from falling. Why did he always make everyone miserable? Why couldn’t he ever do anything right? Why was he such a horrible person?

He didn’t find answers or sleep that night. The tears had dried when the sun rose, leaving him with emptiness instead. He got up, got dressed and went to the office without even stopping at the coffee cart.

 


	2. Chapter two - Hate to say that I miss you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU to everyone leaving kudos and / or a comment! That really motivated me to finish this chapter.  
> I rewrote the storyline of season 6 a bit for this story. I hope you don't mind.

Chapter two – Hate to say that I miss you

Donna eyed him with suspicion the second he neared her desk. He tried not to meet her obviously worried gaze and proceeded to his office without even greeting her good morning. The glass-door hadn't yet closed behind him when she appeared in front of his desk, watching him sit down. "What happened, Harvey?" she said, compassion written all over her face. Harvey made a waving gesture. "Nothing."   
"You don't look like 'nothing.'"   
Harvey raised his brows. "Donna, please..."   
"You look like you haven't slept a wink last night. Are you okay?"  
 "I'm fine."   
Donna frowned. "Did you talk to your mother?"   
Harvey's face became a stone cold mask. "Leave me alone, Donna. I'm not in the mood."  
 "Don't tell me you didn't even go there."   
Harvey swallowed, feeling his jaw tighten. "I got work to do."   
"Yes, Harvey you have. Work you could have done while you pretended to finally make things right with your mother. You will have to talk to her eventually. She is your family."   
Harvey sprang to his feet, his voice raising. "I talked to her. I followed your stupid advice that I never asked for in the first place. And it turned out that my so called mother is still the selfish, self-absorbed person she has always been. So please, Donna, keep your kitchen sink psychology to yourself and leave me the hell alone."   
His voice had gotten louder with every word until he was practically shouting. Donna took a step back from Harvey who had moved closer without even noticing.  
 "I'm sorry."   
Harvey snorted. "Yeah, whatever."  
He moved to the door and held it open for her. She swallowed and left the office.   
"Tell Louis I need to talk to him", he shouted over to her desk before he let the door fall close.

Harvey tried to listen to Louis ranting away, but his mind kept wandering back to the fight with his mother, to when she said that he should leave like he always did. Was he really that bad? Was he the problem after all? Did he leave people behind so they couldn’t leave him? His skin started to crawl and his hands formed fists without him even noticing.  
“Harvey! Are you even listening to me?”  
He snapped out of his thoughts and looked at Louis who was staring at him with a weird mixture of anger and concern. “Sorry, Louis, what did you say?”  
Louis threw his hands into the air, rolling his eyes. “I said I had to handle your client on my own. Which did not work out. You were needed here, Harvey. If you want to take the reins, which you clearly decided to do because you don’t see me as a suitable managing partner, you have to actually be here. I know you had something to sort out with your family, but this firm is still on the edge of falling apart and if you want me to have your back in the future, I need to be sure you have mine!”  
Harvey swallowed which left his mouth dry. “I’m sorry I lashed out on you the last time we spoke.”  
Louis lifted his brows. “What?”  
“You heard me.”  
“Alright, apology accepted. That’s not what this is about.”  
Harvey looked past Louis to the place on the wall where the painting of his mother used to hang. Something inside his chest stung and suddenly, all oxygen seemed to leave the atmosphere. He fumbled at his tie, trying to loosen it a bit, trying to breathe. Louis waved his hand in front of his eyes, calling his name with growing fury and then the nausea came and Harvey ran to the toilet before Louis could even get up from his chair.

When he had retched up all his remaining stomach contents, the nausea finally decreased and his lungs seemed to untighten a bit. He got back up from his hurting knees and stretched his back to dispel the stiffness. Closing his eyes, Harvey leaned back against the closed door of the toilet stall. What the hell was he supposed to do now? Louis was mad at him, Donna probably too and Mike…Mike wasn’t even talking to him. He couldn’t blame any of them. He had been a dick to all three of them and he deserved their anger. Maybe he even deserved his mother’s. And Marcus’s. He would have continued sliding down the self-hate-spiral if Louis hadn’t busted into the restroom, raging with fury. “Are you seriously taking a piss in the middle of our conversation? Is that the amount of respect a name partner gets from you? Because if so, I’m not sure you are ready to be managing partner either!”  
Harvey adjusted his tie, flushed the toilet and exited the stall, raising his hands in defense.  
“Calm down, Louis.”  
“Calm down? Are you fucking kidding me? I didn’t even get started!”  
Harvey tried to keep his demeanor calm and washed his hands. “Listen Louis, I’m sorry I wasn’t here yesterday. You are right. I am wrong. It won’t happen again.”  
Louis looked at him, baffled. “What?”  
“I only left the matter to you because I trusted you. But I clearly misjudged the situation.”  
“Are you saying you shouldn’t have trusted me?”  
Harvey sighed and threw the paper towel he had dried his hands with into the bin.  
“I didn’t say that.”  
Louis snorted. “But that’s what you meant. You think you wouldn’t have lost the client, don’t you?”  
“All I’m saying is that I should have stayed, okay?”  
Louis shook his head, an angry grin on his face.  
“You think I can’t handle this firm on my own? Because that’s what I’ve been doing for weeks now. You are always busy with yourself or Mike or your drama of the week…”  
Harvey clenched his jaw. “Says the man who’s entire life is a soap opera.”  
“So that’s what you think of me?”  
“All I’m saying is you shouldn’t throw bricks inside a glass house.”  
Louis pouted, shaking his head. “I thought we were past this.” And with that, he walked out of the toilet, leaving Harvey alone. He stood there for another half minute before he turned to the mirrors above the sinks. He stared at himself and felt disgusted. Why had he lashed out on Louis? Why was he pushing everyone away? Probably because he wasn’t worth their attention anyway. Or because he knew that they’d leave him behind sooner or later. Just like Mike had. His eyes started stinging again and Harvey closed his eyes. Why couldn’t he stop thinking about him? Ever since their fight he felt the urge to call him, to apologize. But he couldn’t. Because apologizing meant that he would want to take back what he did but that wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted Mike back here with him. Whatever it took. But Mike didn’t want to come back. He had moved on. Like everyone did. Harvey leaned on a sink and let out a shivering sigh. He heard the door open and close again. When he lifted his gaze, he saw Donna standing behind him, arms crossed in front of her chest.  
“You should stop behaving like a dick or pay your therapist a visit before you destroy this firm, Harvey.”  
He looked at her through the mirror, seeing the barely hidden disappointment on her face. She was right. He should stop behaving like a dick. But no therapist could help him achieve that. Because he would never stop running from everything and everyone. That was just who he was. A dick. He turned to Donna and swallowed.  
“I’m taking the day off.”  
He walked past her and shook her hand off when it touched his shoulder.   
Harvey didn’t listen to her calling after him. He took the elevator downstairs and went back to the condo as fast as he could, never looking back.

Mike couldn’t wait for Rachel to get home. This day had been a proper emotional rollercoaster. Losing the job at school first but then being offered one by an actual law clinic had been the last thing he would’ve expected to happen when he had gotten out of bed this morning. Right now, he felt like he was bursting with joy. He would be practicing the law again. That was as close as he’d ever come to being an actual lawyer. It was more than he would’ve ever hoped for a couple of weeks ago. He chuckled, looking out of the window of their flat, sipping on the celebratory scotch he had poured himself. It was the one Harvey had given him the day he got out of prison. Harvey, who had done everything to get him out of that place. Mike swallowed and turned away from the window. He was still mad at Harvey for going behind his back. What had he been thinking? That he could convince Mike to come back by acting like it would ever be possible for him to be a proper lawyer? That was impossible and it hurt to be reminded of it, to be told the lie that it could ever be different. The truth was that Mike couldn’t go back to Pearson Spector Litt again because he knew it would destroy him. He wouldn’t be able to stand being a consultant when he damn well knew how awesome it had been to kick ass together with Harvey. They would never be able to fall back into their old dynamic again. He couldn’t have Harvey’s back the way he used to. He’d always be condemned to watch from the sidelines, close to Harvey but no longer by his side. No longer his equal. He sighed. Why was this bothering him so much? He should be happy. Today had been a good day and he was about to share it with his future wife. He tried to smile, but it died before it could reach his eyes. Mike pulled his phone from the pocket of his trousers and opened his contacts. He scrolled to Harvey’s name and let his finger linger over the call-button without ever touching it. He wanted to share his good news with Harvey. Only that he wasn’t sure if they’d even be good news to the other man. Mike turned off the display of his phone and put it down on the kitchen table. He was about to pour the remaining scotch in his glass into the sink when he heard a key turn in the apartment door’s lock.

Rachel and Mike went out to celebrate. He left his phone on the table, Rachel left hers at the restaurant’s wardrobe inside her coat’s pocket. None of them knew about the many calls Donna made that evening to either one of them. Mike didn’t notice Harvey’s call in the middle of the night. They didn’t check their phones that night at all. Their happy bubble didn’t burst before the next morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It really pains me to make Havey suffer so much. And Mike. And practically everyone.  
> But it's all for the sake of the DRAMAAAA!
> 
> How did you like it?


	3. Chapter three - Hate to say that I'm lonely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harvey tries to medicate. Mike wonders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here is a new chapter. This is getting a liitle darker now...just so you have been warned.

Chapter three – Hate to say that I’m lonely

Harvey sat on the floor, leaning against the condo’s window, staring out into the fading daylight. He took another sip from the nearly empty bottle in his hand. The burning liquid warmed his chest and he let his eyes fall close. The panic had finally declined and left nothing but emptiness behind. Everything inside him seemed to hurt in a way, but pain was better than fear, he decided and took another pull from the bottle. He opened his eyes and noticed he was already seeing double. His mind told him to stop drinking, but Harvey had already decided not to care. Not today. He needed a break from being himself, from being reasonable. His foot gently moved to the beat of the Miles Davis record he had put on and he asked himself why he didn’t just do this more often. Usually he might have found it pathetic to imagine someone getting shitfaced on his own but he only felt comfort at the moment. His thoughts had finally slowed down a little and the guilt in his throat was back on the usual bearable level. The truth was that Harvey was always feeling guilty. All his life, there had been something that made him feel ashamed or wrong and he just never stopped. It was how he handled working for what idealistic people thought to be the bad guys. It didn’t bother him because he felt guilty anyway, no matter what he did. It was easy not to care this way. Every now and then, when the guilt got too much and the self-hatred kicked in, he usually lashed out on someone which made Harvey hate himself even more. There had been a time when things looked a little different though. When he had felt gradually better, less imperfect. But that was before Mike went to prison and everything went to shit. Mike had once changed the man Harvey was. Harvey never really understood why, but the other man had something about him that cracked his shell and let a bit of light float into his protective darkness. He had been a partner in crime, someone to trust, someone to laugh with and someone who Harvey wanted to protect at all costs. But he had screwed that up. He had failed in protecting Mike and he knew he’d never be able to forgive himself. Harvey squinted his eyes, trying to keep his thoughts from going down that road, but his memory reminded him of the look of Mike’s back upon entering the prison anyway. Harvey lifted the bottle to his lips and emptied it. His empty stomach burned, but he opened the second bottle he had prepared next to himself and continued drinking.

A couple of hours later, Harvey woke from the buzzing of his phone in his pocket. His head and back hurt and he cursed while he fumbled his phone out of his pocket and sat up. Donna’s name lit up on the display and he hesitated a second before he send the call straight to voicemail. He couldn’t deal with her. Not now. He grimaced as he got up from the floor, feeling the world shift beneath his feet. His foot collided with the empty bottles next to him and he nearly doubled over but found stability in holding on to a bookshelf. He stood for a moment, waiting for his drunken senses to stop the room from spinning around. Harvey looked at the display of his phone. Seven missed calls and it was only 8 pm. For a second he thought about going back to the office, smoothing out things with Louis and Donna and doing his actual job. But he had to admit to himself he was way too drunk to drive, let alone win an argument or even work. So what was he supposed to do? He rubbed his eyes and looked around. He could read one of the billion books he had bought but never read because he never took the time. Unfortunately he doubted he’d be able to read as long as his vision couldn’t properly focus on anything. He’d rather shoot himself than watch television and he didn’t feel like watching a movie either. Maybe he should cook something, but he wasn’t hungry at all. The thought of eating made him nauseous again. What did normal people do when they were on their own? Harvey didn’t feel like doing anything at all. He couldn’t remember the last time he hadn’t worked without any appointment or engagement to attend. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been alone without working. The only times he wasn’t busying himself with something were at night, when he slept. Harvey blinked. Was he tired? No. He had slept enough. So what was left for him to do? He looked at his mobile again and opened his contacts. His finger hovered over Mike’s contact for the billionth time this week but once again he couldn’t bring himself to dial. The condo suddenly felt too dark, too tight, too empty. Harvey put his phone back in his pocket, got his coat from the rack and hastily left the condo.

Mike checked his mobile while brushing his teeth the next morning and nearly choked on his toothpaste. Donna had called him several times apparently and he also had missed a call by Harvey. His heart skipped a beat and he checked his voicemail. The first message was from Donna who sounded unusually distressed: “Hi Mike, this is Donna. I’m a little worried about Harvey. He rushed from the office today and he doesn’t answer his phone or his door at home. He has kind of disappeared. I usually wouldn’t worry, because he’s Harvey, but…something seems off about this. Call me if you happen to know where he is, okay?”   
Mike frowned before he pressed play on the second Message. His heart started beating faster when he recognized Harvey’s voice that sounded unusually slurred: “Mike, you know what? I’m done with you being angry with me. All I wanted was to work with you again, okay? But you just decided to change. Ok, good for you, go ahead and change. But don’t come crying to me when you need my help. I…had you listened to me and pinned everything on me you would have never gone to prison. You wouldn’t be a convicted felon. It could have all been alright. But you had to…why do you always have to be so righteous? Why couldn’t you just trust me…? I…I shouldn’t have called. You…you know what? Don’t call me back. This is stupid.”   
Mike jolted when Rachel suddenly put her hand on his shoulder. “Everything alright?”  
He blinked and nodded, forcing a smile on his face. “Yeah, all good. I’m just nervous, that’s all.”  
Rachel smiled. “Big first day, right? It’s going to go well, I am sure. Did someone call you?”  
Mike shook his head, then nodded. “Just…Donna.”  
“What did she want?”  
He shrugged. “I don’t know.   
“Weird.” Rachel furrowed her brows. “Donna called me too.”  
“Did she leave a message?”  
“No. Do you think something happened?”  
Mike shook his head, putting his hands on her hips. “She probably just wanted to know if I found a job. You know how nosy she is.”  
She grinned. “And today I can tell her all the good news.”  
“You can.”  
“You better get ready now, Mr. Ross. Your clients are waiting for you.”  
She planted a kiss on his cheek and left the bathroom.  
Mike let out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding and asked himself why on earth he had just lied to his fiancé. Yes, he hadn’t told Rachel about his fight with Harvey, but he could have, right? None of this was a secret. Mike shook his head to himself and finished getting ready for work.

Before he finally got on his bike to ride to the office, Mike dialed Donna’s number.  
“Hi Mike. Sorry I called you last night.”  
“Everything alright?”  
“Yeah, I think so. He resurfaced like nothing ever happened. He’s currently fighting with Louis. Seems normal to me.”  
Mike swallowed, hesitating.  
“What is it, Mike? I can practically hear you hiding a secret.”  
“It’s  nothing.”  
Donna sighed. “Why do you all keep saying that to me when you know I’ll know you’re lying?”  
“I got to go, Donna.”  
“Hmh. You do that.”  
With that, she hung up on him and Mike finally drove to work.

Meeting his new colleagues, getting to know the office, Mike only experienced it all through a filter that day. In the back of his mind, he couldn’t stop thinking about Harvey’s call. Partly angry, partly worried he asked himself what on earth had been going on and even more important, why he cared so much? This was his first day at a new job. A fresh start. A new chance. He was supposed to be psyched. Instead, he mostly just smiled and nodded and by midday, he was so worked up about the voicemail, he locked himself in his new office and called Harvey back. It took a while, but eventually, Harvey picked up.  
“What is it, kid?”  
“Good day to you too, Harvey.”  
“Is it? I heard you found work. Good for you.”  
“Yeah…Harvey, what was that call about?”  
There was a short pause, then a snort.  
“Oh that. Nothing. I went out with someone and maybe had a drink too much. I’m sorry. Did I say something that hurt your precious feelings?”  
Now it was Mike’s turn to snort.  
“I’d apprechiate it if you didn’t call me in the middle of the night.”  
“Heard. You know what? I can stop calling you altogether.”  
“Great. You do that.”  
There was another long pause. Mike heard Harvey breathe. Than the older man hung up on him.  
Mike threw his phone on his desk and decided to finally do what he had come here for: Work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How did you like it?  
> I know I am torturing them....sorryyyyy


	4. Chapter four - Been one of those days sun don't wanna come out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harvey tries to pull himself together. Mike does too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU to the ones out there leaving kudos and / or comments again. I really apprechiate that!
> 
> I'm trying to make the chapters a little longer but I have to admit writing Harvey in this level of despair isn't easy.  
> But anyway, here we go:

Chapter four – Been one of those days sun don’t wanna come out

Harvey leaned back in his chair, sighing. He had really wanted to make up with Louis, but it was impossible to reason with the man while he was obviously still hurt. Harvey had tried to tell him that he never wanted to question his leadership qualities but Louis wouldn’t have it and had just rushed from his office in the middle of the conversation, mumbling something about lack of empathy. He seemed to agree with Harvey being managing partner but there was something else he seemed to be angry about. Harvey couldn’t put his finger on it. He was too tired and his thoughts were too loud and too racing for him to focus on anything at all. His mind kept going back to his conversations with his mother, with Marcus, back to the call with Mike. He wanted to call him again, tell him he was sorry for going behind his back. That he had never wanted to hurt him. That he not only wanted but needed him back at the firm, back in his life. But the more he even thought about it, the more anxious he grew and so he just tried to keep breathing, to keep going, to keep in control of the feelings blubbering beneath his surface.

He checked his calendar, noting that he’d have to convince another rebellious client not to leave the firm in less than an hour. He’d have to be Harvey Specter then, not that pathetic version of himself he currently presented. Maybe he just needed a coffee. His hangover had given him a proper headache by now and the lack of sleep caused by drunkenly wandering around town all night hadn’t helped either. Harvey got up from his chair, closing his jacket and pulling his cuffs into place when Donna entered his office and closed the door behind her.  
“I was just heading out.” Harvey gestured towards the door, annoyance written all over his face.  
But Donna stood in front of him, not moving an inch.  
“Sit back down, Harvey. We ‘ve got to talk.”  
“I don’t have time for this, Donna. I’ve got to see a client in less than an hour.”  
“I know. That’s why I’m going to make this quick.”  
Harvey just rolled his eyes in response.  
“Tell me what’s wrong with you, Harvey.”  
He chuckled. “Nothing’s wrong with me. What do you mean?”  
Donna let out a dry laugh of disbelief. “Ever since you got back from your family, you’re acting weird and I’m starting to be worried. What happened?”  
Harvey’s smile dropped and his face darkened.  
“It’s none of your business because as you generously pointed out, you are not part of my family.”  
Donna’s expression changed to blunt concern. “I’m sorry I said that.”  
He pursed his lips, shaking his head. “You were right, no reason to apologize. I pay your salary, I’m your boss and that’s it. So I’d be thankful if you’d let me attend my duties now, okay?”  
Donna opened her mouth to say something, but Harvey just pushed past her, quickly heading for the elevators.

Harvey loosened his tie once the elevator started moving down. He was glad he was alone. This way he could breathe against the panic building up in his chest without anyone watching. He felt the knot in his chest grow and his whole body starting to tingle while he broke into a shivering sweat. He pressed stop on the elevator. He couldn’t get down to the Lobby like this. Swallowing, he put his hands up and against the elevator’s wall. Taking deep breaths, he waited for the fear to decline, but it wouldn’t stop. His heart hammered in his chest and his mind kept telling him that he had no one, that he was pathetic, that he had destroyed everything. He tried to remember his way out of this maze of fear, but his brain wouldn’t let him and so he just stood there, gasping and feeling the world blurring in front of his eyes. He knew he had to calm down if he didn’t want to faint and so he closed his eyes and forced himself to focus on something other than his panic. Hadn’t his therapist said he should try remembering a moment when he had felt really good and content with himself if the panic got too bad? He tried to find the right memory. Maybe the moment he signed Michael Jordan? No. Didn’t help. The day he became name partner? Difficult. What else was there? He was still searching his conscience for any good memory to hold on to, when his mind came up with a series of moments all on its own. Mike and him in Mike’s kitchen, high on weed and laughing about everything and nothing at all. Mike and him kicking ass in court. Mike and him exchanging a grin. Mike lightly touching his arm, thanking him for something. Mike smiling at him from across the room. Mike. Harvey’s breathing gradually slowed down and the knot in his chest dissolved enough for him to relax a bit. The fear left him as fast as it had gripped him and left him with something else. Pain. Harvey fixed his tie, forced himself to bite down and pressed the button of the elevator to finally go down to the lobby and get to his appointment.

Donna had an odd look of concern on her face when she entered Louis’ office.  
Louis looked up from a stack of papers and lifted his brows.  
“What is it? Did we lose another client? Please don’t tell me we did because this day has already been a nightmare and Harvey…”  
“It’s about Harvey.”  
Louis leaned back and rolled his eyes. “Of course. When is anything ever not about Harvey?”  
“Something’s wrong with him, Louis.”  
“You mean because he is a self-righteous asshole?”  
Donna shook her head, a serious expression on her face.  
“No. I mean seriously wrong.”  
The anger disappeared from Louis features. “What do you mean by that?”  
“I don’t know. I told you he was going to fix things with his mother, right?”  
“Yeah. And I understood that. It was about time.”  
“Well it seems he didn’t fix them. I think maybe it somehow even got worse between them.”  
Louis raised his brows. “Oh. You mean they had a fight?”  
“I have no idea, Louis, but…he just doesn’t seem like Harvey at the moment. Something happened while he was away. Something bad.”  
Louis nodded. “You are right. He seems different. You don’t think we need to worry, do you?”  
Donna crossed her arms in front of her chest as if she needed something to hold onto.  
“I’m not sure. He’s Harvey. He has his dark days, yes, but he usually gets back up on his feet.”  
“Maybe he just needs a little time?”  
“I hope so. I tried getting through to him. He just lashed out on me. Twice.”  
“So what do we do? I mean he sure won’t talk to me. Maybe Mike has better luck?”  
Donna shook her head, sighing. “They’re not on talking terms at the moment.”  
“What happened?”  
“Harvey tried to find a way to get Mike into the bar, it didn’t work but backfired on Mike’s applications and now Mike is pissed because he thinks Harvey only did it to force him back into working here.”  
“Did Harvey do it to get him to come back?”  
Donna shrugged. “I really don’t know. Maybe. Maybe he only wanted to help him get back on his feet. All I know is that they are not really talking at the moment.”  
Louis sighed again. “I say we give Harvey a couple of days, see if he gets back to normal. If he doesn’t, we talk to him together.”  
Donna nodded. “I guess you’re right. Maybe I’m just being overprotective.”  
  
Harvey smiled his winning smile when he shook hands with his client to seal their agreement.  
He had won him over just the way he’d thought he would by pointing out to him that his planned merger with a smaller and by a closer look nearly broke competitor was a shit idea while his other board members only waited for a reason to get rid of him. Only that it hadn’t been half as much fun as Harvey would’ve imagined. Usually, successful missions like this gave him a shot of confidence. Today, there was nothing but emptiness inside him. Even now. They exchanged their goodbyes and Harvey left the office, heading for his waiting car. He pulled his mobile from his pocket, calling Donna. She picked up after the first ring.  
“Tell Louis I handled Peterson electronics. I’m not returning to the office today. I’ve got something to take care of.”

Mike poked around at the Chinese takeaway that Rachel had ordered for them, lost in thought when she suddenly called his name.  
“Mike? Everything alright?”  
He lifted his gaze and forced a smile on his face.  
“Of course. I’m just really tired.”  
“Maybe you just got to get used to working again.” Rachel grinned and Mike laughed a little.  
“Maybe.”  
“But your first day was good, wasn’t it?”  
“Yeah. Yeah, it was great. The clinic does good work. Important work. It’s the place I need to be. And the colleagues are great too. I mean…I don’t know them that well yet, but they seem pretty skilled to me. And dedicated. It’s great.”  
Rachel frowned. “If you say it was ‘great’ once more, I might start to question if you actually really like your new job at all.”  
“As I said, I’m just tired, that’s all. I honestly do like the job. It just have a lot on my mind right now.”  
“Burried in cases already?”  
Mike nodded. “Yeah, absolutely.”  
“You’re gonna win them all, I’m sure.”  
He looked at her hand softly stroking his forearm and swallowed.  
“Thanks. Well technically speaking I can’t win any of them since I’m not a lawyer, but I bet I can help my colleagues win them.”  
Rachel’s smile dropped and she sighed. “You’re doing the right thing, Mike.”  
He nodded. “I know.”  
They finished their meal in silence and went to bed early.  
Rachel quickly fell asleep, but Mike lay awake for hours, staring at the ceiling, thinking about the fact that he would never work with Harvey again and asking himself why that made his chest hurt so terribly much.

Harvey speeded up, feeling the cold sweat run down his back and hearing his feet steadily hit the ground. His pulse was racing in his ears and he was breathing rapidly as he was running as fast as he could, trying to drown out his thoughts. His breath caught in his throat and he started coughing. He slowed down and stood, leaning against a tree. He felt a little dizzy, so he stood there for a while, waiting for his headache to stop pounding at his temples before he started running again.

After two hours, Harvey practically dragged himself back into his flat. The sun had already set by now and he was a sweating, heavy breathing mess. He grabbed a glass from his kitchen counter, filled it with water and drank it in one gulp only to cough it up again a second later. He felt nauseous again, this time from the exhaustion and held on to the sink, waiting for the feeling to pass. He tried drinking another glass of water, slower this time and his stomach accepted it. He walked to the bathroom, wrestled himself out of his completely sweat-soaked sweater and trunks and turned on the shower.

The warm water helped calming his body shivering from exhaustion. But his burning legs demanded for him to stop standing so he made it quick. After his shower, Harvey slipped into his bathrobe and thought about eating something, but again, only thinking about food made him nauseous even though his stomach growled. He decided to skip food and walked over to his television to open Netflix, pick a movie he had already seen a billion times – the untouchables – and lean back into the sofa cushions. For a couple of minutes, he managed to focus on the movie and his mouth curved into a small smile. But that was only until his brain reminded him of the fact that he and Mike used to throw movie quotes at each other and sadness wrapped around him like an unwanted blanket again. Harvey hastily got up and walked over to the kitchen to grab an unopened bottle of scotch from the cupboard. He didn’t bother to get a glass. The bottle was half-empty when he finally fell asleep on the sofa with the movie still running in the background.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is super dark at the moment but I hope you don't mind. I can never resist writing angst and darkness.


	5. Chapter five - These wounds won't seem to heal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harvey spirals deeper into depression as everyone seems pissed at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I go again. I'm having kind of a writing flow at the moment so I thought I might already upload the new chapter.  
> I changed the things that happened in season six a bit to fit the story, but you'll notice.  
> Hope you'll like it.
> 
>  
> 
> TW: This chapter is seriously dark and focussed on Harvey's depression and alcohol abuse.

Chapter five – These wounds won’t seem to heal*

He woke up from the sunlight tickling his nose and blinked against the brightness while sitting up. His whole body hurt and his headache had worsened enough for Harvey to squint his eyes shut again and hiss. His empty stomach growled as he stretched his stiff, sore muscles and forced himself to get up from the sofa. He stood for a second, wiping his tired eyes and tried to remember why he ended up on the sofa in the first place. A look at the bottle on the table freshened up his memory and he sighed. His burning legs forced him to limp a bit while he made his way to the kitchen and pulled the freezer open to throw a mixture of frozen fruits and kale into his blender. He added some water to the mixture and started the blender while he trotted to the bathroom to splash some water on his face. Afterwards, he drank his green smoothie, grimacing as his stomach protested against the intake of anything nutritious. He drank a glass of water to get rid of the kale-taste lingering on his tongue and breathed trough the nausea while he checked his phone. His heart skipped a beat when he noticed the time. It was nearly ten a.m. Harvey didn’t remember the last time he had slept that long on a workday. He hurried to the bathroom and got ready for work as fast as his tortured body let him. Before he left the flat, he took some aspirin to help with his hangover and put on his sunglasses. It was a sunny day after all. No one would notice.

Donna looked at her phone, hesitating. She had been willing to call Harvey for hours now. It was more than unusual for him not to turn up at the office without any appointment in his calendar. She tried not to, but she worried nevertheless. Yes, maybe she was being overprotective, but the look in Harvey’s eyes when she asked him what had happened between him and his mother had shaken her to the core. She was sure things hadn’t gone well and the fact that Harvey also wasn’t on good terms with Mike worried her even more. But then again Harvey was Harvey. He handled things the way he saw fit. And as long as he didn’t want Donna’s advice it was of no use to try and get through to him. Donna bit her lip. “He’ll be alright” she silently told herself. “You know him. He is a cat. He’ll land on his feet.” Just as she had decided not to call him, said cat strolled around the corner, sunglasses in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other.  
“Good morning, Donna” he greeted her, putting the cup on her counter.  
She lifted her brows. “What’s that?”  
“An apology.”  
“For?”  
He rolled his eyes and turned away. “It’s got caramel and cream, you know?”  
She tried to keep herself from smiling, but her mouth twitched when he turned and smiled at her before he closed the glass door behind him and sat down on his desk.  
Donna grabbed the coffee and took a sip. It was sweet bliss and she relaxed. Harvey was okay. He’d just had one of his phases. Everything was alright.

Harvey sat behind his computer, staring at the display. He tried to keep his demeanor calm because he knew he was being watched. Donna might have accepted his apology and he knew she had probably stopped worrying for now. But he’d need to be careful. If she found out about the mess he currently felt like, she would lecture him again and he knew that would cause him to lash out on her again and then she’d be seriously pissed at him. Unfortunately, the numbers he was looking at didn’t exactly help with his resolution to stay calm and get back to normal. He had been avoiding to look at their financial situation for weeks, telling himself that it was going to be alright if they saved as many clients as possible.

Unfortunately, it was way worse than he had expected. The recent troubles and lack of income within the last couple of months in which he had been more busy getting Mike out of prison than billing anything to a client had ripped a hole in their pockets. It didn’t look serious enough for Harvey to believe that things could not be fixed, but it didn’t look like a walk on the beach either. He hesitated. He should tell Louis about it right now. They should discuss possible solutions together. Louis was better with financial things than him anyway. But he couldn’t bring himself to pick up the phone and ask Louis to his office. After their recent fights, he felt like Louis might take everything the wrong way again and tell Harvey how much it was his fault that their numbers no longer added up. He wouldn’t be able to take that. He already knew how much it was his fault and so he decided he needed to fix this mess himself. Without anyone knowing at best. He picked up his phone and called Robert Zane.

Mike smiled at Oliver. He was impressed with the man’s abilities in researching. It had taken him less than half a day to find all the necessary proof to help their client’s eviction get dismissed. Now they were developing a strategy to make sure their client got the compensation for living in a flat with a broken window for months. Mike quickly noticed that Oliver lacked experience with planning out proper reasoning for the court, but he was ready to prep him to do it.  
“I’m fucking nervous, I gotta admit.”  
Mike nodded. “I know. But you’re going to win this, Oliver. I am sure.”  
“I get irritated, you know? And then I have difficulties staying on track.”  
Mike gave him a sympathetic smile. “That’s okay. I’ll be there to have your back.”  
“But you cannot interfere.”  
Mike swallowed and nodded. “That’s true. But I won’t have to. Once I finished prepping you, there’s no threat you won’t be able to fight, okay? We got this.”  
Oliver nodded and Mike looked back down on the stash of paper in front of him.  
“Let’s go through the phone records again, shall we?”  
Mike wanted to start throwing questions at Oliver when his phone started buzzing in his pocket. He froze and his heart skipped a beat when he pulled it out. But a shot of disappointment ran threw him when he looked at the display and saw Rachel’s name. He immediately felt ashamed for his disappointment. What the hell was wrong with him? What had he expected? For Harvey to call him again? What for? And shouldn’t he be happy it was Rachel calling instead? He frowned and looked at Oliver.  
“I have to get this. I’ll be back in a second.”  
He walked into his office, closed the door and accepted the call.  
“If this isn’t my favorite lawyer calling.”  
Rachel sighed. “I’m not a lawyer yet.”  
“But you will be soon enough.”  
“Let’s not jinx it. Anyway, I just wanted to know how you’re doing. You seemed a little insecure yesterday so I wanted to check on you.”  
“You mean to make sure the other kids aren’t being to mean to me?”  
He heard her chuckle. “Why, are they?”  
“No. In fact, they’re great.”  
“Good. Will we have dinner tonight? I just finished working on a case and the way things look now I might actually get out of this office on time for once.”  
Mike checked his watch. “I’m not sure. I have to prep Oliver for trial and he’s still kind of insecure…”  
“Oh I understand. I’m sure he’ll do great once you’ve prepped him.”  
“Thank you. See you later, okay?”  
“Of course. Love you.”  
With that, she ended the call and Mike swallowed. He actually felt like he could finish working on time today. It was only midday and Oliver was doing great. Why had he lied then? Maybe because he didn’t feel like having dinner and answering questions again. Not as long as he felt this…confused. The unresolved argument with Harvey was nagging at him and he didn’t really know how to handle it. A knock on the door threw him out of his thoughts and he lifted his head to see Oliver standing in the doorway.  
“I’ve got a question about the precedent, do you have a minute?”  
Mike pushed himself out of his chair, nodding. “Of course, let’s go.”  
  
Robert Zane shook his head, laughing.  
“I offered to merge less than a week ago and you practically told me to stick it where the sun don’t shine. And now you suddenly changed your mind?”  
Harvey’s jaw tensed up and he pulled on his cuffs.  
“I just thought about it again and I think it’s a great opportunity for the both of us.”  
“Well Harvey, somehow I doubt I’ll be seeing this the same way once we go into due diligence.”  
“What are you implying?”  
“Come on, Harvey, you can’t fool me. Everyone knows your firm is struggling to survive. If you want something from me, ask me straight to my face.”  
“Who told you we were struggling?”  
“I didn’t need to be told. It’s an open secret. So what do you want? You want me to save your firm?”  
Harvey gritted his teeth. “We don’t need to be saved. But if you don’t think we’re worth it then maybe you’re not worth it.”  
Robert Zane crossed his arms in front of his chest, a look of amusement on his face.  
“Whatever gets you through the night, Harvey. But I’m not interested. I thought about stretching out my hand to you in order to help my daughter. But I’ve been thinking. If she’d ever find out I only helped your firm to secure her job, she’d never forgive me. So if your firm fails, and I’m sure it will, I’ll just offer her a seat at my table. Which would be better for her anyway.”  
Harvey shook his head, an arrogant smirk on his face.  
“You’ll regret this.”  
“I doubt it. I think that you’ll regret not knowing when you’re beat.”  
Harvey turned on his heel and exited the office. Against the protest of his sore legs and aching head, he took the stairwell down instead of the elevator.

Harvey sat in the back of his car, hesitating. He knew he should go back to the office and talk to Louis, but thinking about it made his hands shiver. He would have to admit that he had failed, that he was weak and Louis would enjoy it. Harvey swallowed. He couldn’t take that. Not today.  
His driver turned around to him, a question mark written all over his face.  
“Mr. Specter? Where do you want me to go?”  
“Give me a minute.”  
He looked out of the window, looking at people passing by, smiling and enjoying the sun. They seemed so careless, so free. Harvey’s headache was getting worse. He looked away, swallowing and adjusting his sunglasses. He sure knew their bank wasn’t willing to increase their loan at the moment. They had told him they felt it was “too risky at the moment”. So he needed another way to fix the hole in their pocket.  
His driver turned around again. “I’m sorry, but we have to get off the street.”  
Harvey frowned, anger building up on his face. “I said I needed a minute. Just drive.”  
He got thrown a slightly worried look but then the car started moving and Harvey looked out of the window again. There was only one way. He had to fix what he had done himself. He couldn’t do that at the office. Donna would notice he was up to something.  
“Take me home, please.”  
The driver did as he was told.

Harvey barely even noticed how he automatically poured himself a scotch while starting his laptop and sitting down with it at the kitchen counter. He emptied the glass in one big gulp and felt the knot in his chest that had become a permanent ache by now untighten a bit. He quickly opened the online banking interface and started typing when his phone rang. He picked up without checking who it was only to regret that a second later.  
“Where are you?”  
It was Donna. Harvey swallowed.  
“I’m working on something.”  
“Well you missed your appointment with Stephanie Cooper.”  
“Who?”  
“Our head of HR. She wanted to discuss the associates’ salaries with you. Some of them have been complaining.”  
“The associates are Louis’ business.”  
“Yes but you are managing partner and you agreed to meet her today. Now I had to tell her you were at an urgent meeting with a client.”  
“Just set up a new meeting.”  
“Well will you actually attend it? Because if you don’t intend to anyway, I will hand the matter over to Louis. But don’t come whining to me if he uses that as leverage on you the next time you fight.”  
“Why the drama, Donna? I will take care of it. Just not now.”  
“Why not, Harvey? Because I’m starting to wonder what’s all that important business you so suddenly have to take care of. The last time I checked I was your secretary and secretaries usually now about their bosses’ appointments. But you didn’t have any this midday. So where have you been?”  
“That’s none of your business.”  
“You say that an awful lot lately.”  
Harvey felt his jaw tighten. “Only because you keep sticking your nose into things that are none of your business.”  
“Alright. You know what, Harvey? The next time you apologize, don’t buy a coffee. Try to actually mean it.”  
He wanted to shout something back, but she had already hung up on him. He threw the phone on the counter and poured himself another glass. The knot in his jaw still grew. He threw up five minutes later only to keep drinking afterwards.

Somewhere in the back of his head, a voice whispered to him that he shouldn’t behave the way he was. Something inside him was trying to tell him that he should really call his therapist, make an appointment. But his clouded mind wouldn’t listen. His alarm bells went off on the thought of getting back on that couch, being told for the billionths time that he should make peace with his mother when he knew he never could.

So instead, he transferred a huge amount of his savings to the firm and abandoned the glass to start drinking directly from the bottle again. He closed his laptop and lay down on the couch, the bottle still in hand, only to stare at the ceiling. He tried not to think about the anger and disappointment in Donna’s voice. Or in Louis’ voice. In Marcus’. His mother’s. In Mike’s voice.  
“I’m just a fucking disappointment to everyone” he mumbled to himself, rubbing his stinging eyes and taking another sip. His mind went blank. The panic left and emptiness conquered every part of him, drowning out his pain. He lay there, drinking and staring at the ceiling until it went dark.

Mike waved as Oliver left the office and turned to shut off his own computer. He sighed and looked at the mess they’d made of the office. Papers were lying everywhere next to their half-eaten lunch and open pens. He ran a hand through his hair. He should go home, have dinner with Rachel, ask her how her day was. But he seemed glued to his seat somehow, unable to make himself go home.

Harvey didn’t fall asleep this time. He closed his eyes and waited for sleep to come, but his mind seemed too awake to give him a break. The emptiness faded and made space for pain and fear again. Harvey reached for the bottle and brought it up to his mouth, only to notice it was empty. He threw it down, hearing the glass break on the surface of the wooden floor. His mind was fully awake again now, projecting unwanted memories of all the times he had disappointed any of the people he loved. He saw them shake their head and turn their back on him. He saw them leave. Some of the memories were real, others twisted versions of what had really happened. But all of them hurt.

Harvey turned on his side, pulling his knees up to stand the pain radiating from his heart racing in his chest. Why was everyone always angry with him? Why could he never do anything right? He got up in an attempt to flee the shiver that shot through his body and stumbled over to the kitchen counter, grabbing his mobile. He dialed the number he knew by heart and was taken by surprise when someone actually picked up.  
  
“What do you want?”  
“Hi Marcus. I just…how are you?”  
He heard his younger brother snort. “Since when do you care, Harvey?”  
“Listen Marcus I’m sorry I just left the last time. I was…it had nothing to do with you.”  
“I know. It has nothing to do with anyone but you.”  
Harvey swallowed, feeling the knot in his throat grow and nausea creeping up his spine.  
“Let me make it up to you. Next time you are in New York we’ll spend some time. All of us. Bring the kids. We can, I don’t know…go to the zoo.”  
“Are you drunk?”  
Harvey chuckled. “No, I’m not.”  
“So you just forgot I had to explain to the kids why uncle Harvey just left without saying goodbye then?”  
Harvey let out a shivering sigh. “Marcus, I’m sorry. Really.”  
“Are you now? Because frankly,  I don’t care. You never wanted to be a part of this family. Maybe it’s time for all of us to finally accept that.”  
“No! No, I want to be part of the family. The…thing with…her…it has nothing to do with you.”  
“You mean with mum, Harvey. Just say it. She is your mother, for fuck’s sake!”  
Harvey gritted his teeth. “She’s not.” His voice was barely more than an angry slurred whisper, but Marcus had heard him.  
“Call me when you’re sober. Or you know what? Don’t call me at all.”  
The beeping noise of the phone hurt in Harvey’s ears and he just threw the phone on the counter again, hopelessly trying to swallow the tears in his throat. A sob escaped his tightly shut lips, then another one. He bit his lip until it hurt and wiped his eyes, slipped into his trainers without even thinking about it and left the flat without even taking his mobile with him.

He tried to flee from the stream of thoughts and fear and guilt and sadness inside him, running as fast as he could without making his lungs burst. His uneven steps echoed loudly on the pavement and he blinked against the tears that wanted to fall but weren’t allowed to. He barely saw where he was heading and cared even less. He didn’t hear someone shouting for him to stop, didn’t see the light of the car, didn’t notice the squeling tires, didn’t feel the pain inside his leg before he was on the floor and everything went dark.

Mike pulled over with his bike when his phone vibrated in his pocket on his way home. He looked at the number on the display he didn’t recognize and picked up with a frown.  
“Hello?”  
The voice at the other end sounded way to calm and collected for the message it was delivering. Mike barely understood anything it said other than “Mr. Specter”, “Accident”, “hospital” and “his emergency contact”. His world seemed to shift beneath his feet when he hung up and got back on his bike to hit the pedals as hard as he could.

 

 

*Chapter title taken from "My immortal" by Evanescence this time instead of from a line of "Bad habit" by Ben Platt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger, but I just couldn't resist.


	6. Chapter six - We've become echoes, but echoes, they fade away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike finds out what happened to Harvey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I am SO SORRY I left you dangling from that horribly dark cliff.  
> I didn't mean to! I thought I'd be able to finish this next chapter quickly but then life happened and well...it took a while.  
> But here we go.
> 
> I hope you'll like it.

Chapter six - We've become echoes, but echoes, they fade away*

Mike didn't care where he threw his bike once he arrived at the hospital. He just slammed it against a wall at the entrance and sprinted inside, heading for the information desk.

"Harvey Specter" he managed to blurt out between two gasps for air, "what happened to him?" The nurse behind the desk typed something into her computer and sighed. "Your name please."

"Mike Ross. I'm his emergency contact. Someone called me saying he’d had an accident...I...how bad is it?"

The nurse looked at her screen. "You'll find his doctor's on the fourth floor. They can tell you what happened."  
Mike sprinted towards the elevators where he hammered on the button. The seconds ticked by and no elevator was in sight. Mike’s foot was drumming against the floor and he swallowed. A few seconds later he couldn’t take the wait any longer and sprinted towards the stairs and up all the way to the fourth floor. His legs grew heavy and his lungs begged for air, but he kept going as fast as he could, finally pushed open the door to the station and looked around for another information desk. His eyes caught sight of a nurse and he ran over to her, opening his mouth to say something, but there was no breath to form any words. He bent forward, his hands on his knees and took a moment to catch his breath, noticing the worry on the nurse’s face. “Sir, do you have problems breathing?”  
He shook his head and forced his body to stand straight again.  
“I’m…” He forced another deep breath into his burning lungs. “Searching for Harvey Specter. I was informed he had an accident.”  
The nurse nodded, signing him to follow her.  
“And you are?”  
“Mike Ross. I’m his…”  
“Emergency contact, I know. I was the one who called you.”  
“What happened?”  
The nurse picked up a phone and dialed a number. “I’ve got someone to see Mr. Specter. Should I send him in or do you want to speak to him first? Okay. I’ll tell him to wait.”  
She hung up and turned to Mike again. “Dr. Strandman will talk to you in a second. Why don’t you sit down and catch your breath?”  
Mike looked around to the row of chairs she was pointing at and let himself fall onto one, feeling his body tremble as he did. If it was from fear or exhaustion, he couldn’t have said. His thoughts were racing and his heart was hammering in his chest. He silently prayed to a god he doubted existed that Harvey was okay, that nothing too bad had happened, that he was not severely injured. His mind nevertheless let him imagine a dead Harvey. The thought alone made his eyes sting and his chest ache. He bit his thumbnail to contain the feeling and looked to the floor when someone calmly said his name and sat down next to him.  
“Mr. Ross? My name is Dr. Strandman.”  
Mike shook the offered hand of the blonde woman and tried to return her polite smile.  
“Is Harvey…I mean is Mr. Specter okay? What happened to him?”  
She sighed, a small smile on her lips.  
“I believe he is going to be fine, Mr. Ross. He had a little accident involving a car, but he has only been slightly injured.”  
Mike exhaled a breath he hadn’t know he had been holding.  
“Thank god.”  
“He was really very lucky. Apparently he just walked in front of a car. Fortunately, the driver had already braked before seeing him. The car hit his knee and send him to the floor, but it ain’t that bad. He’s got a pulled ligament in his left foot, loads of bruises and a couple of fractured ribs. We checked him for internal bleeding and head-injuries because he had shortly been unconscious after the accident but we found nothing. He’s gonna be alright soon.”  
Mike leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes and sighing. “Thank you, Doctor.”

He took a deep breath and looked at her again. “Can I ask one question though?”  
“Of course.”  
“If it’s not that bad then why did you call me?”  
She bit her lip. “Well. Mr. Specter was heavily intoxicated when he arrived. My guess is he only stumbled in front of that car because he was too drunk to see where he was heading. We would like to keep him here for a night as a routine to make sure he’s alright, but he insists on going home immediately. But since he clearly is too drunk and too injured to go home alone, we decided to call you against his heavy protest.”  
Mike frowned. “He was drunk?”  
“Still is. Enough for a proper headache in a couple of hours.”  
Mike slowly nodded and got to his feet. “Well I’ll better get him before he tries to march out of here on his own, right?”  
Dr. Strandman nodded. “Yeah. Just one more thing.” She sighed. “He was terribly dehydrated. We took care of that. Just…keep an eye on him, okay? He doesn’t seem to really keep an eye on himself.”  
Mike nodded, still frowning. “I will.”  
“Good.”   
She got on her feet, reached into her gown’s pocket and handed him a bottle of pills.  
“He’s not in pain at the moment because of the alcohol, but he’ll need them tomorrow. He can take them up to three times a day, but no more. We bandaged his foot and his upper body to stabilize his fractured ribs but he should take it easy for a couple of days. He might experience some difficulty breathing so he should sleep a little more upright than normal.”  
She watched Mike thoughtfully take the bottle from her hands and smiled.  
“And now get him out of here before he carries out his threat to sue the hospital for keeping him hostage. You’ll find him in room 407, down the hallway on your left.”  
Mike chuckled and shook her hand. “I will. Thank you Doctor.”  
With that, he started marching towards room 407, already lost in thought.  
Why on earth was Harvey drunk enough to stumble onto a street and get hit by a car? It was early night on a weekday and Harvey never got wasted. What on earth was going on?

  
Mike didn’t make the effort to knock on the door once he found the room. He just opened the door and entered, finding a furious looking Harvey arguing with a nurse that kept pushing him back onto a bed.

  
“I’m going to say this one more time. I am a grown man and you cannot keep me from going. I’m no danger to anyone or to myself so on what grounds...oh.” Harvey noticed Mike standing in the doorway, eyebrows raised and arms crossed in front of his chest.  
“See?” He gestured towards Mike. “Robin is here to collect Batman. You can leave me alone now.”  
The nurse shook her head and hissed something under her breath before she pushed past Mike and out of the room, throwing the door close behind her.  
The room fell silent.  
Mike cleared his throat. “Hi, Harvey.”  
Harvey looked at him and chuckled, shaking his head.  
“Let’s not do that.”  
“Do what?”  
“You looking at me like a sad puppy.”  
Mike snorted. “I’m not looking at you like…” He sighed. “I was worried.”  
Harvey made a waving gesture. “You shouldn’t have come. It was nothing.”  
“Harvey, I…”  
“No sentimental bullshit, okay? Just help me get out of here and get a cab home. I’m sure you have somewhere else to be.”  
Mike watched Harvey making some weak attempts to get on his feet with gritted teeth before he walked over to him and offered his hand.  
Harvey looked at it with raised brows and Mike rolled his eyes. “Come on, old man, we don’t have all night. I’m not going to tell anyone.”  
The other man hesitated another second before he grabbed the offered hand and let Mike pull him to his feet.   
Harvey swayed on his one uninjured foot, gritting his teeth in pain again and only weakly protested when Mike lifted Harvey’s left arm on his shoulders and carefully wrapped his arm around Harvey’s hip, helping him walk.  
“If you ever use that as leverage over me, I’m going to kill you.”  
Mike let out a dry laugh. “Be my guest.”  
Together, they slowly made their way to the elevators.

 

Mike felt Harvey’s fingers dangling over his upper arm lightly brush against him and wondered about the goosebumps spreading under this touch. He felt the urge to let his own fingers on Harvey’s hip wander, to softly stroke his hand up to his back, to comfort the hissing man next to him. A part of him enjoyed the way Harvey was leaning on him but Mike was too occupied being worried and relieved and angry and amused at the same time to ask himself why. Harvey, in the meantime felt something in his chest flutter and noticed how his heartbeat sped up. He swallowed. Mike’s warmth felt so fucking comfortable. Part of him wanted to pull Mike into a hug and burry his face at his shoulder. He blinked. What on earth was he thinking?

  
The elevator arrived and they slowly stepped inside. Mike tightened his grip around Harvey’s hips when the elevator started moving and he swayed again.  
“Harvey?”  
“Hm?”  
“Can I ask you something?”  
“That depends, kid.”  
“Why are you drunk?”  
Harvey pursed his lips.  
“I’m not.”  
Mike snorted. “You smell like a fucking distillery.”  
“None of your business.”  
Mike opened his mouth to say something but then the elevator’s doors opened and Harvey wrestled out of Mike’s touch. He staggered out of the elevator, dragging his injured foot over the floor and pressing a hand against his chest, panting.  
Mike grabbed his arm and tried to hold him back. “Let me help you.”  
Harvey hissed and pushed him away, avoiding his gaze. “I don’t need your help. Kid. Get home to Rachel. She’ll be wondering where you are.”  
Mike let go of him and watched Harvey make his way outside and lift his arm to get a cab.   
He snapped out of his hesitation and hurried outside to open the cab’s door that had just stopped next to Harvey.  
The older man rolled his eyes. “Leave me alone, Mike. Please.”  
Their eyes met and Mike flinched under the hurt and fear in Harvey’s gaze.  
“I promised your doctor to get you home safe and I will.”  
“Mike Ross – The shining knight of doing the right thing.” Harvey chuckled and Mike rolled his eyes. “Get in the damn cab, Harvey.”  
He helped him onto the backseat before he went around the car and got in on the other side.

 

Silence filled the cab. Mike wanted to ask so many questions, wanted to understand what was going on, but he knew Harvey would just fight him off. The worry inside his chest grew again. Something was wrong with him. His friend seemed different than usual. There were dark circles under his eyes and even though he didn’t slur, Mike had rarely ever seen Harvey drunk enough to sway as much as he had in the elevator. And then there was the dehydration the Doctor had been talking about. Was Harvey stressed out by his new role as managing partner? Maybe a couple of after work drinks had just gotten out of hand. Maybe Mike shouldn’t worry. Harvey was Harvey after all. Mike frowned. He very well knew that Harvey wasn’t half the hard surface that he presented to everyone around him. He knew a different Harvey. One that worried and cared and always wanted to protect everyone. A man that appeared self-absorbed but was mostly the opposite. Harvey might try to act as if he hadn’t got any feelings but Mike had lurked beyond the façade more than once. He knew that he was scared of losing people. Of admitting weakness. Was this what was going on? Maybe something had happened between him and Donna again? Mike couldn’t put his finger on it, but something felt off. Something was wrong. The fear in Harvey’s eyes had scared the living shit out of him. What was he afraid of? Mike decided he was going to find out. If the other man approved of it or not, he needed to protect his friend. If necessary from himself.

  
Mike dropped his gaze and noticed Harvey’s hand curled into a tight fist only inches from where his own hand lay on the backseat. Something inside him wanted to grab the hand, loosen the fist and slide his finger’s between Harvey’s. He would only need to move his little finger less than an inch to touch him and everything inside him wanted to do just that. Mike swallowed. What was going on with him today? Maybe it was the scare of thinking that he’d lost Harvey. He felt the lump of fear in his stomach again. He had been horrified. But it was okay now. Harvey was fine. Or at least he would be fine. Mike forced himself to stop starring at the fist that appeared to be shivering before he could lose control and give in to his urge to take Harvey’s hand.

  
Harvey kept his eyes fixed on the window, blindly staring outside into the night full of neon lights. He was scared. Seeing Mike again kind of hurt. It reminded him of the friendship he had damaged. Of everything he missed. Mike’s stubbornness and his humor and his compassion. He was ashamed of the way Mike had gotten to see him today. He was scared of how much it would hurt once Mike went home and they went their terribly separate ways again. At the same time he prayed that Mike wouldn’t insist on guiding him all the way up to the condo. He didn’t want him to see the state of the apartment, the empty bottles and the stack of clothes on the floor. He didn’t want to be judged, to be seen as weak. To change the way Mike had always seen him. He swallowed. He needed to get rid of the kid. Before those awkward feeling from their way to the elevator would return and make everything even more complicated. He knew his hand lay only inches away from Mike’s. He wanted to touch him so badly, it hurt. What the fuck was wrong with him? Was he really that touch-starved that he wanted to what? Hit on his best friend? He could never do that. He didn’t want to. Or did he? But anyway, it didn’t matter what he wanted. Mike would be repulsed and then their friendship would be over for good. Harvey’s hand curled into a fist and he felt the well-known shiver creep up his spine while his skin started to crawl. The lump in his throat grew and nausea built in his stomach. He blinked against the sting in his eyes and forced himself to focus on breathing his way through the panic attack.

 

*taken from the lyrics of "Silhouette" by Aquilo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo this was their first real interaction in this story. What do you say?


	7. Chapter seven - Don't ask if I'm happy, you know that I'm not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike tries to talk to Harvey.  
> Harvey is being Harvey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took longer than I thought - again - but I still hope you'll enjoy this! :)  
> A big THANKS to the 45 people who left Kudos <3

Chapter seven - Don't ask if I'm happy, you know that I'm not*

  
When the car finally stopped in front of the apartment-building, Harvey was still gritting his teeth but had succeeded in breathing through the panic. It helped that he was tired and drunk and in pain. His brain seemed occupied enough to let go of the fear at least for a moment. Harvey even managed to plaster a half-smile on his face when Mike helped him out of the car. They didn’t speak on their way to the elevator even though the air seemed heavy with unsaid words and unasked questions. At the condo’s door, Mike let go of Harvey’s hip and Harvey let his arm slide from his shoulder, even though everything inside him protested against it.  
They stood there for a couple of seconds, avoiding to look at each other. Harvey gritted his teeth again. The alcohol was slowly starting to wear off and pain conquered his bruised body. He leaned his back against his door and cleared his throat.  
“I think I got it from here.”  
Mike nodded, his gaze seeming absent. “Okay.”  
“Good night.”  
“Call me if you need anything.”  
Harvey rolled his eyes upon the honesty on Mike’s face, but his lips curved up into a small smile.  
“I’m fine.”  
“Ok. I’m…” Mike pointed to the elevator, hesitating.  
Harvey waved him away.  
“Go. You need to get some sleep before work.”  
Mike nodded again. “Good night, Harvey.”  
With that, he walked over to the elevator and got in without looking back.  
Harvey let out a sigh. The smile faded from his face and made space for a painful grimace as he fumbled his keys out of his pocket and unlocked the door.

 

Harvey lay in the darkness of his bedroom, breathing shallow and asking himself if the tightness in his chest was caused by fear or his bruised rips. He was so tired he could barely imagine this was a panic attack but still he had to force air into his lungs at every hurting breath. He tried to roll on his side, but a burning pain went from his ribcage through all of his body and he moaned. How the fuck was he supposed to sleep this way? He slowly sat up, groaning and wiping the sweat from his forehead. The breathing got a bit easier now and he took a few deep breaths to stop his head from feeling dizzy. The pain was hammering, but bearable – thanks to the scotch most likely – and Harvey knew his whole body would be hurting like hell in the morning. He reached for some pillows on the empty other side of the bed and stuffed them beneath his back. A sigh of relief left his lips. That was better. He wanted to close his eyes again and try to get a bit of sleep before his limps could start to ache even more when he heard his phone buzz on his nightstand. Harvey hesitated a second before he blindly stretched his arm and grabbed it. The light of the display blinded his tired eyes and reminded him of the headache that was forming beneath his eyes. He hissed and looked at the text he’d received.  
_Mike, 00:54_  
I forgot to hand you the painkillers your doctor gave me. I’m sorry. She also said you should try sleeping with your upper body propped up a bit to ease breathing. Are you okay? Should I come over for the painkillers? Sorry I forgot.”  
Harvey’s lips twitched into a smirk when he saw that Mike was still marked as “online” probably waiting for him to answer. Harvey knew the kid well enough to know that he’d be standing on his doorstep in less than half an hour if he didn’t write back, so he did.

  
_Harvey, 00:56  
I’m good. Found the thing about sleeping out myself, thank you (not). Don’t worry about the painkillers. I can get some tomorrow.”  
  
_His hands hovered over the keyboard while his heart hammered against his ribcage without him knowing why. Before he could decide otherwise, his fingers typed a second message.  
_Harvey, 00:57_  
Sorry for scaring you today. I told them not to call you, but they wouldn’t listen.”  
The answer came immediately.

  
_Mike, 00:57_  
_Just don’t do it again._  
_Harvey 00:58_  
_I’m not planning on getting hit by another car anytime soon, so no worries._  
_Mike 00:58_  
_Maybe just don’t go for another jog while drunk. Just to make sure._  
_Harvey 00:59_  
_Yeah. You could be right._  
_Mike, 00:59_  
_We both know I’m always right._  
_Harvey, 01:00_  
_I beg to differ._  
_Mike, 01:00_  
_Which proofs that you, old man, are usually wrong._  
_Harvey, 01:01_  
_There’s no evidence of that._  
_Mike, 01:01_  
_Objection._  
_Harvey 01:02_  
_On what grounds?_  
_Mike, 01:02_  
_I could make a list and make it available to the defendant, but not in the middle of the night. I’ve got a job to attend in the morning._  
_Harvey, 01:03_  
_Congratulations on landing that job at the clinic by the way._  
_Mike, 01:03_  
_What? No “you could do better”?_  
_Harvey, 01:03_  
_We both know you could. But if the clinic’s what you want, I wish you the best._  
_Mike, 01:04_  
_In another life it would have been far from what I wanted. But right now it is._  
_Harvey, 01:04_  
_I see. They’re lucky to have you._  
_Mike, 01:05_  
_Drinking makes you soft._  
_Harvey, 01:05_  
_Insomnia makes you annoying._  
_Mike, 01:06_  
_I’ll be over in the morning and deliver the painkillers._  
_Harvey, 01:06_  
_You really don’t need to._  
_Mike, 01:07_  
_Don’t care if it hurts your precious pride. I will. Good night._  
_Harvey, 01:07_  
_Night._

  
Harvey rolled his eyes with a smirk before slowly forcing himself out of bed to throw all empty bottles laying around into the bin and stuff the pile of clothing at the living room into the hamper. When he was finished and got back to bed, his face was a grimace of pain and he was panting. He let himself slide onto the pile of pillows again, closed his eyes and despite of his ever-racing thoughts fell asleep immediately.

  
Mike lay awake in his bed, staring at the ceiling. Rachel next to him slept as peaceful as she already had when he’d gotten home. He fumbled with his mobile in his hands, opened the chat with Harvey again and reread it for the seventh time since their conversation had ended. This was the longest row of text messages he had ever received from Harvey. The older man usually refused to text instead of having a phone call, insisting that text messages were for “you weird millenials but not for grown-ups”. But today he seemed to see things differently, which was odd. Everything was kind of odd. Harvey being drunk on a weekday on his own and going for a run intoxicated, Harvey being clumsy enough to get hit by a car, Harvey having Mike listed as his emergency contact (even though Mike had him listed as an emergency contact next to Rachel too), Harvey being distanced and silent and kind of absent. And then there was Mike’s own oddness. The amount of horror and panic he felt upon hearing that Harvey had been in an accident. The way he worried about Harvey. And the weirdest of all things – his sudden urge to touch Harvey. The way his heart had hammered in his chest while he met his gaze. He knew this feeling. It had been sleeping beneath his surface for a while, but he remembered it. He knew Harvey’s smirks had always given him a warm feeling inside his chest and sometimes quickened his pulse. He had always missed Harvey when they hadn’t seen each other in a while – which, before prison, had never been more than a week. But now it felt more intense and Mike didn’t understand why. He lay there, frowning and tossing and turning in his sheets until the early morning, his head full of worries about Harvey. Mike got up before his alarm went off and hurried to make his way to the condo just to drop off the meds and get to work early. At least that was what he told himself.

  
The doorbell rudely awoke Harvey and he hissed sitting up. A wave of pain flooded through all of his body and he squinted his eyes, groaning. His foot felt heavy and swollen and throbbed with pain. His broken rips ached and breathing felt like he just ran a race. On top of that, a bad headache pulsed at his temples. He tried to take a deep breath and pull himself together when the bell rang a second time.  
“I’m coming!” His voice sounded rough in his own ears and he cleared his throat while he slowly moved to the bed’s edge, waiting for the dizziness in his head to lessen.  
“Harvey? Are you okay?”  
He recognized worry in Mike’s voice coming from outside and frowned.  
“I’m fine, just give me a second!”  
Harvey forced himself on his one good foot and limped to his wardrobe to pull a sweatshirt over his head. It took him another five minutes to hobble to the door and finally pull it open.  
  
Mike’s eyes widened when he saw the sweating, panting mess Harvey was. The older man was leaning against the doorframe, visibly clenching his teeth and holding his ribcage.  
“You look like shit.”  
“Good morning to you to”  
Mike squeezed past Harvey to get into the flat and walked straight into the kitchen, grabbed a glass from the shelf and filled it with water.  
“Sit.” he commanded, pointing to the sofa and Harvey slowly obeyed with raised eyebrows.  
 “Am I in trouble?” Harvey chuckled but Mike approached the sofa with a serious expression on his face. He put the water and a bottle of pills down in front of him.  
“Your painkillers. You can take them thrice a day. I think you should have one now.”  
Harvey tried to keep his lips from twitching but couldn’t hide his amusement. “Alright, nurse.”  
Mike let himself fall onto the sofa next to Harvey and watched him swallow the pill.  
Harvey turned to him, amusement still visible on his features.  
“What are you looking at?”  
“You’re not going to work today, are you?”  
Harvey snorted. “Of course I am.”  
“You’re not.” Mike shook his head before Harvey could protest. “Either you call Donna and tell her you’re sick or I will. And I won’t spare her the details.”  
Harvey rolled his eyes and leaned back into the sofa cushions, trying to stop a hiss from leaving his mouth. “Alright. I’ll call her.”  
“You need anything?”  
“You mean like personal space? Yeah, that’d be great.”  
Mike rolled his eyes but moved away a bit nevertheless. Harvey instantly regretted having said something.  
 “No I meant like food or I don’t know…a crutch?”  
“Offer me a crutch again and I’ll throw you out of the fucking window.”  
Mike grinned. “Ok. I just thought a man your age…”  
“Get out of my face, you nag.”  
“Okay. Try not to kill yourself.”  
“You’ll forever remind me of that accident, won’t you?”  
“You bet.”  
Harvey sighed and rolled his eyes. “Great.”

Mike swallowed, his smile fading and Harvey watched the expression on his face change with raised brows.  
“Harvey, can I ask you something?”  
Harvey shrugged, instantly regretting the movement when his whole ribcage ached.  
“Fire away.”  
“What happened last night?”  
Harvey shook his head. “Nothing ‘happened’, kid.”  
“You remember when I was in prison and you tried to pretty much safe me from a psychopath willing to kill me?”  
Harvey frowned. “Of course I do. Where are you heading with this?”  
“Hear me out. I know you like to act like you never worry but I know you do. So you know how it feels when something happens to a friend. And last night…” Mike swallowed again “had me worried.”  
Harvey sighed.  
“Trust me, there’s no need to worry.”  
“You got hit by a fucking car.”  
“It was an accident. It barely touched me.”  
“You were completely wasted.”  
“I had a drink or two too much, yes. But that’s it, Mike.”  
Mike looked to the floor, shaking his head. “But why?”  
“Why what?”  
“Why get wasted on a weekday? On your own?”  
“I didn’t…”  
“Why go for a run when you can barely stand, Harvey? If I didn’t know you better…”  
“What?”  
“I don’t know. One could get the wrong idea.”  
Harvey snorted. “Seriously?” He chuckled. “Don’t you think you’re being a tad melodramatic?”  
Mike shrugged. “Maybe I am. I don’t know. You tell me. Like, where do you go when you vanish from the office?”  
“When I do what?”  
“Donna was so worried she called me to ask if I knew where you were.”  
“What the fuck, Mike?” Harvey forced himself on his feet. “What are you now? A stalker?”  
“Just a concerned friend. So, if I’m just being melodramatic you can tell me, right? Where were you?”  
Harvey’s jaw tensed. “None of your business.”  
Mike snorted. “Yeah? Last time I checked we were friends.”  
“Well the last time I checked you wouldn’t even talk to me because you refused to let me help you get a job. But excuse me if I was mistaken, Mike. I thought you had decided to move on when you chose not to work for me.”  
Harvey had raised his voice with every word until he was shouting.  
Mike flinched. “I didn’t want to work for you because it would be different and I...”  
“It doesn’t matter. We’re done.”  
“Get out.”  
“Harvey, please, let me…”  
“Let you what? Waste more of my time? You can lesson me once you stopped lying to yourself.”

  
“What?”  
“You tell yourself you should work at that clinic, do good and make up for your fraud. You tell yourself you like that pathetic little job when all you really want is to get back at the firm and kick ass again. I tell you something, Mike. It’ll never make you happy.”  
Mike clenched his jaw. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”  
“You could have had it all, Mike. I could have fixed it. But you had to take that fucking deal.”  
Mike shook his head and sighed. “Not that again.”  
“You should have listened to me! We would have won. I could’ve gotten you into the bar.”  
“I was guilty, Harvey. And no bar would ever have me, convicted or not. I committed a fraud.”  
“I could have…”  
“You couldn’t!” Mike was up on his feet and shouting now, anger clouding his face. “Not even the great Harvey Specter could have fixed this! So stop blaming me for the decision I made. I did it to protect you and the firm and I don’t regret it!”  
“Well maybe you should.”  
Harvey had to hold onto the cupboard next to him for support as his stand was getting wobbly.  
“What does it matter now, Harvey? I got out. I have a new life. I am fine.”  
“Good for you. Go ahead and live it.”  
“It’s not you we’re talking about here.”  
“It ain’t me either. I don’t need your help.”  
Mike bit his lip. “Is this about Donna?”  
Harvey chuckled. “Not every fucking thing is about any of you. I don’t know if you noticed, but I am a grownup. I don’t need guidance from a convicted felon.”  
Mike shook his head. “Why is it that you can never admit not being okay?”  
“Because I am okay, Mike. I am fine. I am fucking fabulous. Never been better.”  
He moved towards Mike, a threatening look on his face, pointing to the door. “And now go before I throw you out.”  
The other man looked at him, a mixture of hurt and worry in his eyes.  
“Call me if you’re ready to talk.”  
Harvey pushed him and Mike staggered a few steps back.  
“Go. Now.”  
Mike lifted his hands in defense and walked to the door. He hesitated a second, throwing a last worried glace at Harvey before he opened the door and left without saying another word.

  
All tension left Harvey’s body once the door had fallen close behind Mike and he barely made it back to the sofa before collapsing. His heart beat rapidly and his vision blurred and he had to close his eyes to stop himself from throwing up then and there. A couple of deep breaths later, he had pulled himself together enough to put his legs on the sofa and lie down, his back popped up against the cushions. He stared at the ceiling for a couple of minutes, wondering where all the pain had gone but the meds must have kicked in and something inside him had just burned to ash and so he reached for his phone on the table and called Donna.

  
“You had what?”  
Donna sprang to her feet, the phone still on her ear. She heard Harvey say something about calming down and “it was nothing really” and some chuckle she knew all too well to be fake.  
“What on earth were you thinking, Harvey?”  
“I don’t know? Certainly not ‘oh a car, let’s get hit by it’”  
“I’m coming over.”  
“What? No.”  
“Oh yes. I’ll move your appointments and then I’ll fill Louis in and then I’ll be over.”  
“Donna.” The fake chuckle again. “I got this. It’s barely more than a cold.”  
Donna bit her tongue not to let her worry make her lash out on Harvey over the phone.  
“Shut up, Harvey. I’ve had enough of your bullshit. You are going to talk to me.”  
“I’m not letting you in.”  
“Well good thing I still have my spare key, right?”  
“Donna.”  
“You better don’t move an inch until I get there or I swear you’ll live to regret it.”  
She hung up and marched to Louis office as fast as possible on heels.  
  
Louis sat in his chair, chewing on his lip and shaking his head once Donna finished.  
She could see him swallow, trying to keep the drama bubbling beneath the surface, trying to blink the glimmer in his eyes away.  
“He’s gonna be okay, right?”  
“He called from home. I think he’s not that badly injured.”  
“That’s not what I mean.”  
“I know. But I don’t know, Louis.”  
“You see a pattern?”  
Donna nodded. “I mean I hate to say it but I do. I think Harvey really has a problem. I don’t exactly know what it is but I think it’s bad, Louis. He needs us to have his back now.”  
“I understand. I’ll take care of his appointments. Just let me know if there’s anything else I can do.”  
Donna nodded. “I will.”  
She gave Louis a smile that wanted to say ‘it’s gonna be okay’ but looked more like ‘oh god I don’t know what to do’ and left to get to Harvey.

 

*Chapter title taken from the Lyrics of Lana del Rey's "Hope is a dangerous thing"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reason it took me ages to write it was that halfway trough Mike and Harvey were fighting and they weren't even supposed to. Well...apparently they felt like it.  
> I hope I'll regain control over them anytime soon ;D
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	8. Chapter eight - The devil's on your shoulder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harvey keeps spiraling downwards.  
> His friends don't know what's going on.
> 
> TW: Depression, very dark thoughts, heavy panic attacks, substance abuse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooooo there.  
> Writing this monster of a long-ass chapter took me a while because...well, I love writing drama, but sometimes it hits a little close to home. I used to live with panic attacks and even though mine felt different than Harvey's, writing this was a bit of a struggle. But a cleansing one. I hope it maybe helped me to really describe understandably how they feel.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy the read. I made the chapter extra-long as an apology foor the waiting-time ;)

Chapter eight – The devil’s on your shoulder*

  
Mike sat hunched over some papers of a new case file – a young woman suing her employer for not paying her overtime as agreed upon in her contract – and reread the relevant paragraph for the third time. His brain usually remembered everything he ever read easily but today it seemed to fail at even processing anything. He couldn’t focus. The words he read never made it to his mind occupied by drifting away. He tried to force himself not to think of his argument with Harvey but the harder he tried, the more questions about it seemed to pop up in his head. He sighed and leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes. What was wrong with Harvey? Why was he behaving so strangely? Mike knew the way Harvey always tried to hide his problems from the world all too well but this time something was different. Harvey seemed kind of absent, lost even, like someone drifting about without a goal. And Harvey without a goal wasn’t Harvey.

 

Taking a deep breath, Mike looked out of his window, asking himself what might have happened. The last time he had seen Harvey this way had been when Donna stopped working for him. But that hadn’t been the case this time. Rachel would have told him. Everyone would be talking about it and Harvey wouldn’t be jogging at nighttime but spend his time plotting on how to get her back. This weird passiveness was new and is was scaring Mike. It didn’t make staying away any easier. He had told himself that after his release from prison he needed distance from his old job and his friend to protect himself. He told himself he was only trying not to hurt by remembering the good old times, trying to do some good for a change. That hanging out with Harvey wasn’t a good idea because it would only lead to him accepting his job offer sooner or later. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew those weren’t the only reasons why he’d been pushing Harvey away lately. He was trying to forget about the nights he lay awake in prison, thinking about his former boss with some weird affection and missing him more than he knew would have been healthy for a friend. He attempted to ignore the weird feeling in his chest that had kind of always been there, ignored or disregarded as harmless fondness in a friendly way.

 

But after yesterday night and this weird urge to touch Harvey – he chuckled at the thought now – it was getting harder to deny something inside him cared a great deal about the other man. Maybe a lot more than he wanted to admit to himself. Not because Harvey was a man, but because he loved Rachel, right? He did. And Harvey loved Donna. Harvey had been his boss, his partner in crime.  And they were friends, Family even.  And…it was complicated. So why worry about the weird rhythm his heart fell into when Harvey flashed him one of his signature smiles? It was leading him nowhere.

 

The worry though – if rooted in friendship or something bigger – he couldn’t block out. Mike chewed on his pen, trying to make sense of the drunk call, the accident and what Donna had told him. His Lawyer-brain quickly presented him a conclusion he didn’t like at all. Mike swallowed. He needed to talk to Donna as soon as possible. Maybe she knew what to do. She was Harvey’s oldest friend after all. 

 

Donna found Harvey laying on the sofa, listening to jazz playing on his phonograph, his eyes closed. She closed the condo’s door with raised brows and turned the music down. Harvey immediately flung his eyes open, throwing her an angry look that nearly made her chuckle.  
“You must be delighted to see me.”  
She watched him sitting up with his jaw clenched.  
“Always”, Harvey mumbled, his voice dripping with irony.   
Donna pressed her lips together and shook her head.  
“We can either do this the hard or the easy way, Harvey. Your choice.”  
Harvey crossed his arms in front of his chest and creased his forehead.   
“Can we?”  
“Yes.” Donna sat down in the armchair opposite the sofa and crossed her legs. “You can either just tell me what happened or I’ll find a way to find out myself. And if I do, I’m going to give you hell for not telling me. So…what do you choose?”  
He sighed, but Donna saw the corners of his lips twitch a tiny bit. She held back a smile, cocking her head when Harvey opened and closed his mouth a couple of times before speaking.  
“Look, Donna, I…” He pressed the fingertips of his hands together and swallowed. “I had an accident. I went for a jog and I didn’t look before I crossed the street so I got hit by a car. But I am fine. I’ve got some bruised ribs and my foot hurts a little but that’s it.”  
“Okay, good. I mean the part where you’re not that badly hurt. But that’s not what I meant.”  
Harvey raised his brows. “What did you mean?”  
“Well.” Donna put her handbag on the floor next to her and leaned forward in her chair. “I want to know what happened to you, Harvey.”  
His nostrils flared and his brows snapped together. “I already told you. I had an accident.”  
“I mean what happened with you when you visited your family. With your mum?”  
Harvey looked away and shook his head, chuckling his fake chuckle again.  
“Nothing happened, Donna.”  
“You know if ‘nothing’ drives you up the walls like this I don’t want to know what happens if you’re ever really upset.”  
He threw her a questioning look and she sighed.  
“Look, Harvey, I know you don’t want to talk about it. And I would normally respect that. But you’ve been acting strange lately and I am worried.”  
Harvey snorted and grounded his jaw. “I thought I had already told you that’s none of your business.”  
“Except it is, Harvey. And as I said you can either tell me or I will find out. Because frankly I’ve had it up to here with your bullshit.” She gestured towards the ceiling. “So I’m going to ask you once again, nicely, what’s wrong with you?”  
His voice went up. “Nothing’s wrong with me.”  
“You look like shit, you leave work for no reason, you disappear, you run in front of cars, you are constantly on edge. Something’s clearly upsetting you. And that upsets me. I just want to help.”  
Harvey met her gaze.  
“Donna, I…”  
“It’s alright. You can tell me everything, remember?”  
Harvey bit his lip, exhaling through his nose.  
“It’s just been a lot lately. Mike returning from prison, Jessica leaving, having to fight with Louis about everything, making managing partner…I had to sort some things out.”  
Donna furrowed her brow. “And your mother?”  
Harvey made a waving gesture. “Just a little fight. We already made up.”  
“For good?”  
Harvey swallowed. “Yeah. No bad blood.”  
“Okay. So…that’s it?”  
Harvey forced a smile on his face.  
“Of course. What did you think?”  
“I don’t know. That you were kind of depressed?”  
He snorted again. “I was stressed is all. Maybe I kind of needed the accident to give me a little break.”  
She looked at him, searching for a clue on his face if he was lying or not, but his expression was so closed up she couldn’t detect anything.  
“If you say so.”  
“You don’t believe me.”  
Donna stood up, crossing her arms.  
“No, I do. I want to. Just…you know you can always talk to me, right? To all of us. What I said about us not being your family…I didn’t mean it. We are a family at Pearson Specter Litt.”  
Harvey nodded. “I apprechiate that.”  
She hesitated a second before she nodded. “Good.”  
Harvey grinned a little. “I’ll be back at the office tomorrow and then I’ll make things right with Louis so he stops bothering you. How does that sound?”  
Donna smiled. “Sounds fantastic.”  
“Okay.” Harvey gestured towards the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”  
Donna scrabbled through her handbag and pulled out something wrapped in aluminum foil.  
“I got you a bagle to make sure you don’t starve.” She put it on the table and smiled when he laughed a little.  
“You know I’ve heard of food delivery, right?”  
“I wasn’t sure if you could handle the phone without the help of your fabulous secretary.”  
Harvey threw a pillow after her and she ducked, laughing.  
“Off you go.”  
“Alright, alright.” She held up her hands in defense. “See you tomorrow.”  
He watched her pick up her bag, wave and walk out the door. He waited another two minutes before he hastily got up on his feet as fast as he could and staggered to the bathroom to throw up.  
Afterwards, he stared at his shaking hands, breathing against the tightness of his throat and asking himself what the fuck he was supposed to do.

 

Mike picked up on the third ring and Donna decided to get to the point quickly.  
“Hi Donna. I just wanted to call you.”  
“Mike, did you recently talk to Harvey?”  
“For a fact I did. Why?”  
“Did you get the feeling that he is…different?”  
“I sure did.”  
Donna bit her lip and nodded, exiting the elevator.  
“I feared that.”  
“Did something happen?”   
Donna detected the panic in Mike’s voice and frowned.  
“No. Or to be honest I don’t really know. Do you have any idea?”  
“Not the slightest. He seems…”  
“Sad?”  
“Yeah. And…absent.”  
“He does.”  
“I’m worried.”  
Donna chuckled. “Me too.”  
“Have you tried talking to him? I mean you usually succeed in uncovering his secrets.”  
“I tried. He lied to my face.”  
“Are you sure?”  
“Well he said everything was fine and I doubt that.”  
“I understand.”  
Donna sighed. “He didn’t tell you anything either, did he?”  
“No. In fact he got mad when I even implied something was wrong.”  
“Let me guess: He changed the subject and insulted you.”  
“You sure know Harvey very well.”  
“I think this is all my fault.”  
“What?”  
Donna swallowed, rubbing her forehead while walking down the street.  
“I told him to finally make amends with his mother. He tried. But I guess something went wrong because ever since he came back, something’s wrong with him.”  
“Donna, even if something happened between them, it’s not your fault.”  
“Maybe not. But I told him he should make up with his real family because we weren’t his family.”  
There was hesitation at the other end of the line before Mike spoke again.  
“Why would you say that?”  
“I don’t know. I just tried to make him move on. He misses you and Jessica and I just thought maybe if he reconnected with his family…I don’t know what I thought. It was stupid.”  
“Should I try and talk to him again?”  
Donna took a deep breath while waving for a taxi.  
“No. You know Harvey. If he feels backed up into a corner, he will only lash out. If he doesn’t want to talk, we can’t force him to. Maybe he just needs some time to deal with whatever he’s dealing with.”  
“You’re probably right.”  
“Maybe we’re overreacting. I mean he is a grown man after all.”  
Mike chuckled. “He doesn’t always behave like one.”  
Donna let out a dry laugh. “No, that he does not. But none of you does.”  
“Will you keep an eye on him?”  
“I’ll try. How are you by the way? Rachel told me you landed a job!”  
“Yeah, I’m good. The job’s great, really.”  
Donna frowned. “You don’t really sound like it is.”  
Mike sighed.  
“It’s what I want. It’s good work.”  
“Alright. Well, congratulations. I’m sure you’re the best lawyer they ever had.”  
“Technically I am not a lawyer.”  
“Technically I am just a secretary. But we all know that I’m not.”  
Mike chuckled again.  “True. Listen, I’ve got to go. Said work is calling for me.”  
“Go get them, tiger.”  
“Thank you. And thanks for calling. You’ll let me know if you find out anything, right?”  
“I will. Bye, Mike.”  
She hung up and threw the phone into her bag, A weird feeling caught in her throat. For the first time in a very long time, she didn’t know what to do.

  
Harvey pulled himself together for nearly a full week after that day. He dragged himself to work, hid his pain and the constant panic attacks, met with the head of HR and negotiated the associates’ new salaries, ended his fight with Louis, achieved a successful settlement for a client and managed not to drink in the evenings. The painkillers and the constant fear sitting at his neck made him so tired he couldn’t do anything but sleep once he got home. He was functioning, forcing a smile on his face when necessary and food down his throat whenever nausea allowed him to. He knew Donna watched him with suspicion so he put up a show for her too, behaving as normally as he could manage with the exception of a lot more toilet breaks than usually. He shivered and vomited and panicked his way through the day, his agony invisible even to those who tried to uncover it. And he didn’t answer the phone whenever Mike called. He lived as an empty shell, tormented by nightmares of his mother forcing him to lie and Mike going to prison and everyone leaving him behind every night. But it was ok. He managed. Until Rachel finally stood in his office and asked him if he’d have a minute.

Assuming Rachel wanted to talk about a case he said yes only to regret it an instant later. Rachel told him that Mike had tried to call him time and time again, seeking advice on a case and told him how much of a bad friend he was.  
“You know whom he called when his colleague returned from court, celebrating his victory in a case where a young woman and her son had nearly been thrown out of their home? Whom he wanted to tell how much he envied him instead of being proud? Whom he wanted to tell how much he missed courtrooms and negotiations? You. Because he knew that you of all people would understand. He wanted to speak to a friend. But you didn’t even pick up.”  
“Rachel, I…”  
“No, Harvey. This is the part where you listen. He called you again the day after, hoping for some advice on a case involving an ex-client of yours. He wanted to speak to his mentor. Yet again, you didn’t pick up. I don’t know what kind of fight it is you two had and to be honest, I don’t care. But I know that you’re hurting him. He would never tell me but I can see it. Ever since he last talked to you, it’s like a dark cloud is hanging over his head and I swear if you don’t make this right again…”  
“Then what?” Harvey finally blared out, the vein on his forehead bulging. “The last time I checked I was your employer, Rachel, so you better watch your tone and rethink if you really want to threaten me.”  
Rachel snorted, disappointment visible in her eyes.  
“I thought you were better than that.”  
“Get out of my office.”  
“Or what? You’ll fire me?”  
Harvey shook his head. “I’m not going to ask you again.”  
Rachel raised her hands and backed away.  
“Okay. If this is the way you treat your friends then maybe you don’t deserve us anyway.”  
She left and shortly after that, Harvey threw up into the bin under his desk.  
Afterwards, he wiped his mouth and turned around to check if Donna had seen him, but her place was empty. He got on his feet and left the office as fast as he could.

  
Drinking at a bar seemed less desperate to Harvey than drinking at home but on the second thought he knew he must have looked pathetic sitting in the corner on his own, sipping on his fifth scotch. He had driven all the way up to Brooklyn to make sure he wouldn’t run into anyone doing business with him. People at this part of town raised their brows looking at the suit he still wore but he was way past caring. The combination of alcohol and painkillers already had him fully intoxicated and when he stumbled out into the night a couple of hours later, he didn’t feel the pain inside his body and thoughts any longer. Finally completely conquered by emptiness, he wandered around town, his vision blurry and his step unstable. He didn’t know how he ended on the bench at the central park. He tried to tell himself to stay awake, but laying down seemed so logical. He only wanted to close his eyes for a little second. Just a minute or two. Then he’d go home and tomorrow he would fix things for sure.  
  
He woke up from someone trying to pull his wallet from the pocket on the inside of his suits' jacket. All senses immediately on full alert, he opened his eyes and sprang to his feet, the trained boxer inside him aiming for the head of the attacker without even thinking about it. The burglar went to the ground on the first punch, but anger awoke in Harvey and he wanted to hit him again when someone grabbed him from behind. Harvey resisted the grab, but was too drunk to free himself yet too strong to be stopped from raging. The struggle went on for another couple of minutes. There was shouting and someone trying to help the man on the ground. Before Harvey understood what was happening, sirens blasted through the air, something clicked behind his back and someone led him to a police car. He didn’t resist.

  
The look on Jessica’s face showed nothing but disappointment. Harvey blinked against the brightness flooding in through the window behind her and got on his feet.  
“Thank you for picking me up.” He tried to grin, but only grimaced as he walked past her out of his cell. Jessica simply shook her head as she accompanied him outside.  
He stood in the morning sun, rubbing his head that was throbbing with a bad hangover and sighed.  
“How bad is it?”  
“I succeeded in stopping the burglar to press charges. He knows the police believes that you acted out of self-defense.”  
“Did I hurt him?”  
“Nothing more than a black eye and a bad headache.”  
“That bastard.”  
“So you walk around hitting people now?”   
She opened the door of her car for him and they got in.  
“He had it coming.”  
Jessica nodded, a small smile on her face.  
“What were you doing at the park in the middle of the night? Drunk?”  
“I just went for a walk.”  
She raised her brows as the car started moving.  
“What’s going on, Harvey?”  
“Nothing.”  
“You can try to fool everyone else all you want. But don’t you dare lying to me. Not after I just had to pick you up from the precinct like a goddamn rebellious teenager.”  
Harvey sighed, avoiding her gaze and staring out of the window.  
“I’m…I don’t know.”  
“What do you mean, you don’t know?”  
Harvey pressed his lips together and swallowed.  
“I mean I don’t know. Something is…”  
“Something is what?”  
Harvey’s voice dropped to barely more than a whisper. “It’s nothing.”  
Jessica nodded. “I see.”  
“Do you?” He looked at her, a mixture of anger and sadness in his eyes.   
“Have you considered seeing your therapist again?”  
“I don’t need to.”  
She raised her brows again. “I beg to differ.”  
“Don’t look at me like I am your disobedient son.”  
“Well somehow you are, aren’t you?”  
He snorted and Jessica sighed. The car stopped.  
“Well, here we are. Get some sleep and call me once you’ve sobered up. I'll let Donna know you have something to sort out for me today.”  
“Thank you, but I’ve got it from here.”  
Jessica’s expression darkened. “Harvey, you need to tell me what is going on with you.”  
He snorted again, angrier this time. “I’m not your son and you’re no longer my boss. So I’d rather not, thank you.”  
“I didn’t pull you out of that mail room all those years ago only for you to throw your life away.”  
He opened the door. “I’m not throwing anything away.”  
Jessica looked at him, concern glimmering in her eyes. “I hope you don’t.”

  
It was that night that the voices inside his head that were his own self-hatred got too much to bear. He tried drinking again but after half a bottle of scotch, his body couldn’t hold anything inside, not even liquid. So he threw the bottle against the kitchen counter and watched the splinters spread all over the floor. Nausea crept up his neck for the billionths time and he staggered towards the bathroom when he tripped on his shoes lying around and fell to the floor, his hands hitting the splinters. He felt a shard bore into the flesh of his hand and howled. Blood ran down his arm and he struggled back on his feet to fetch a kitchen towel and wrap it around his hand. The red liquid kept dripping onto the floor nevertheless and he started feeling dizzy. He knew he needed to pull the splinter from his hand to stop the bleeding, but even the thought made his vision blur. He hated the sight of blood. Panic crept up his spine again, his chest tightened and for a second he thought he was going to faint then and there. That he was drowning without even being underwater. Hot tears started gathered in the corners of his eyes and he had to hold on to the kitchen counter. Desperation clenched his heart. He didn’t know what to do. His whole body started to shiver and his mind was racing, reminding him of all the things in life he had done wrong, of all his failures and character flaws. He staggered to the bedroom, letting himself fall onto the bed and burying his head under the pillow. He felt blood drip from his burning hand onto the soft white sheets and asked himself what it even mattered. It would stop bleeding sooner or later. And if it didn’t, who even cared? His heart skipped a beat and his mind stopped racing. This was enough. Harvey sat up, his aching ribs protesting, and forced a deep breath into his lungs. He swallowed and reached for his phone, his hands knowing whom to call without Harvey even thinking about it.  
  
Mike still sat at the office, reviewing a file when his phone rang.  
He frowned when he saw Harvey’s name light up on his display and despite his heart immediately hammering in his chest, hesitated to pick up. He lifted up the phone and stared at it, feeling it vibrate inside of his hand. Then he finally hit ‘accept’.  
“Mike?”  
Harvey’s voice sounded hoarse and unsteady and all anger immediately left Mike’s face, making space for worry.  
“Harvey? What…are you okay?”  
“I need your help.” Harvey’s voice nearly broke at the end of the sentence and something inside Mike’s chest started to burn at the sound of it.  
“Where are you?”  
“My place.”  
“What happened?”  
“I…have some kind of a problem that I, erm…” He heard Harvey clear his throat “cannot solve alone.”  
Mike’s heart skipped a beat when Harvey’s voice trembled again. Something was clearly horribly wrong.  
“Stay where you are. I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”  
He ended the call and sprinted to his new bike – his old one had been stolen at the hospital last week – to ride like the devil once again.

  
Mike grew more anxious with every second that passed while he stood in front of Harvey’s door, waiting for him to open up. He heard someone moving behind it and tried to keep calm.  
“Harvey?” He shouted and hammered against the door again but got no reply.  
Mike bit his lip and already considered trying to break the lock when Harvey finally opened the door and Mike’s mouth opened in shock.  
It took him a second before he could respond to what he was seeing – Harvey barely holding himself up and bleeding, blood smeared all over his t-shirt and trousers, a painful grimace on his face and fear visible in his gleaming eyes.  
“God, Harvey, what did you do?”  
Harvey tried to take a step backwards and nearly fell but Mike grabbed his wrist and held him steady. He got into the flat, threw the door close behind him and helped a shivering Harvey onto the sofa before he kneeled down in front of him. Mike gently unwrapped the kitchen cloth from Harvey’s shaking hand, his heart clenching in his chest as Harvey hissed and his breathing quickened.  
“It’s going to be okay, Harvey. We’ll fix this.”

  
Harvey hissed again when Mike finally uncovered the cut in his hand, the splinter still stuck inside it and the wound still spilling blood.  
“Ouch. How did that end up inside your hand?”  
Harvey swallowed, looking away as his stomach started to rumble at the look of the wound.  
“Long story short: Broken bottle, I tripped and fell into its remains.”  
Mike sighed and got on his feet. “Do you have a first aid kit?”  
“The cabinet above the sink in the bathroom.”  
“I’ll go get it. You don’t move.”  
Mike’s heart unclenched a bit when he saw Harvey roll his eyes.  
Harvey tried to pull himself together while Mike was rummaging through the cabinet and secretely dried the corners of his eyes on the sleeve of his T-Shirt while silently telling himself to stop being melodramatic. He even managed to smile a little when Mike returned, a bundle of bandages and a pair of pincers in hand. He watched the younger man kneel down again and swallowed, trying to grab the stuff from Mike’s hands.  
“I can do that myself.”  
Mike frowned. “If you could, you wouldn’t have called me…”  
Harvey dropped his gaze and swallowed, staying silent.  
He examined the wound, gently turning Harvey’s hand in his own. “Maybe we should go to the hospital to get this removed.”  
“No.” Harvey shot him one of his signature death threat looks and Mike chuckled.  
“I kind of guessed you’d say that. I’ll try to pull the splinter out but if it doesn’t stop bleeding after I bandaged it, I’m taking you to the ER.”  
“It’s just a scratch.”  
“And yet again, I guessed you’d say that. Now hold still.”  
Mike watched Harvey swallow, visibly uncomfortable and he softly pushed his chin to make him look away. “It’s okay, Harvey. You can trust me. You don’t need to watch.”  
Harvey just nodded and Mike got to work.  
The splinter was easy to remove and Harvey didn’t make a sound as Mike carefully disinfected the wound, stroking it gently with a cotton ball drenched in sanitizer. Mike watched him clench his jaw and hurried to wrap the bandages around the injured hand. Once he was finished, he carefully put the hand back on Harvey’s knee, leaving his own hand on the older man’s shivering one a little longer than necessary before he cleared his throat and stood up.  
Harvey turned back to him. “Thank you.”  
Mike only nodded. “Where did the bottle break?”  
Harvey pointed to the kitchen counter. “Let me clean my mess up myself.”  
“No.” Mike threw him a look he couldn’t quite decipher and got to work.  
Harvey stayed put on the sofa, too scared that his legs wouldn’t carry him and listened to Mike cleaning up behind his back. He wanted to say something, but didn’t trust his voice and so he just sat there, focusing on his breathing and trying to manage his panic. Suddenly, a wet towel dangled in front of his face and he took it to clean the blood from his other hand and arms. “Thanks.”  
Mike walked to the bath to wash his own hands and sat down beside Harvey when he got back. Harvey forced himself to look at him and noticed the bloodstains on Mike’s suit.  
“Sorry for calling. And for ruining your suit. I’ll get you a new one.”  
Mike shook his head. “No need. As long as you tell me what’s going on.”  
A sad chuckle left Harvey’s mouth before he could hold it back and he fumbled on the bandage wrapped around his injured hand. “I won’t get away with saying ‘nothing’ this time, will I?”  
“After calling me sounding like somebody died and opening the door bleeding? Nah.”  
Harvey swallowed and leaned back against the sofa cushions. “I’m sorry I dragged you into this.”  
“What ‘this’?”  
“I shouldn’t have called. It was just…I’m not good with blood and…”  
“It’s fine Harvey, really. I just want to help.”  
“I know.” Harvey looked to the floor, swallowing. “I guess I’m just not really good at accepting help.”  
“You don’t say!”  
Harvey’s lips curled up and Mike smiled back in response.  
“Is that so obvious?”  
“Kind of, yeah.”  
Harvey’s expression got serious again. “Rachel said you tried to call me.”  
“I did.”  
“I’m sorry I didn’t pick up.”  
Mike nodded. “Why didn’t you?”  
Harvey swallowed, a knot building in his throat again. He forced a deep breath into his lungs.  
“I was busy.”  
“Doing what?”  
Harvey’s hands where heavily shaking by now and he clenched them into fists. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out and so he just sat there, his heart racing in his chest and sickness building in his stomach.  
Mike sat next to him, their legs nearly touching and watched him with growing concern.  
“Harvey, are you okay?”  
When he didn’t get a response, he reached for Harvey’s injured hand and opened the fist.  
“Stop. You’ll only make the wound bleed again.”  
Harvey looked at Mike’s hand gently holding his own and swallowed.  
“I think you should go.”  
“You’ll have to throw me out of the window to make me. I’m not leaving you alone tonight.”  
Harvey snorted. “I don’t need to be babysitted.” His voice was shaky.  
“I want to make sure you are okay.”  
“I am.”  
“You’re fucking shaking. You’re not okay.”  
Harvey threw his head back, blinking against the tears that tried to leave his eyes and sighed.  
“I’m probably not.”  
“Will you tell me why?”  
Harvey avoided meeting his gaze and tried to focus on Mike’s touch on his hand that was somehow calming him down a little.  
“I…” He rubbed his brows with his free hand “My panic attacks are…back. And they are way worse than the last time.”  
Mike gently let go of Harvey’s hand, touching his shoulder now. “When did they start?”  
“A couple of weeks ago.”  
“Out of the blue?”  
“Not really.”  
“Do you want to talk about it?”  
Harvey swallowed and shook his head. “I don’t think I can, Mike. I’m sorry.”  
“It’s alright, you don’t have to.”

 

*Chapter-title again taken from Aquilo's "Silhouette"  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the drama unfolds.  
> What do you say? Do you think Mike will be able to uncover Harvey's problem and help him face it?


	9. Chapter nine - But if I falter, well at least it was my mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike tries to get through to Harvey.  
> Harvey thinks he can just put his misery behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry this chapter took me ages. I kind of hit a writers block and I wrote three different versions of this chapter before I finally finished this version. I hope you'll like it.
> 
> The chapter title is a line out of "My Mistake" by Gabrielle Aplin. The song fits my story-version of Harvey perfectly.

Chapter nine - But if I falter, well at least it was my mistake  
  
They sat in silence for a full minute before Mike spoke again.  
“If there’s anything that I can do…”  
“You already did, right?” Harvey lifted his injured hand and Mike frowned.  
“Did it stop bleeding?”  
“I think so.”  
Mike gently took his hand again and examined the bandage. It was still white and seemed to be okay. “You’re lucky. I’m not forcing you to the ER tonight.”  
“I wouldn’t have let you.” The smile on his face didn’t reach Harvey’s eyes.  
Mike mustered his face, noticing dark circles under his friend’s eyes. He felt his hand shiver inside his own and saw that Harvey’s chest was moving up and down faster than it should. Leaning a bit closer, he put his hand on Harvey’s shoulder, giving it a soft squeeze. The older man lifted his gaze and looked at him, his dark eyes glistening.   
“I owe you one.”  
Mike shook his head. “You’d do the same for me. You’d even gone to prison for me.”  
Harvey smirked a little. “You mean I would have found a way to keep us both out of there.”  
“Maybe”

The older man looked at him, questions in his eyes but he didn’t say anything. He just sat there, noting how his breath had finally calmed down and the lump in his chest no longer felt like it was choking him. Nausea was on a bearable level and the shivering was slowly declining. He felt calmer. His sight wandered to the hand that was holding his and Harvey cleared his throat. Mike followed his gaze and immediately let go of his hand.  
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to…”  
“Of course not.”  
“Yeah.”  
They fell silent again, and Harvey felt his heart speed up in his chest again but for an entirely different reason this time. Mike got on his feet. “Mind if I get a glass of water?”  
“Suit yourself.”  
Mike wandered to the kitchen, leaving a heavy silence behind that made Harvey’s skin crawl.  
“You should head home, it’s late.”  
Mike reappeared in front of him, two glasses of water in his hands. He put one down on the table in front of Harvey while sipping on his own.  
“I won’t.”  
Harvey rolled his eyes and sighed.  
“Why not?”  
“I’m staying over whether you want it or not.”  
“Rachel will be worried.”  
“I told her I’m not coming home tonight. She’ll understand.”  
Harvey lifted his brows and Mike sighed. “I told her I had to work on a case.”  
“You lied to her?”  
“Thought maybe you wouldn’t want me spreading the news that you’ve suddenly become clumsy with glass.”  
“I forgot how clever you are.”  
Mike laughed a little.  
“Anyway. I’ll sleep on the sofa if you don’t mind.”  
The other man shrugged. “I don’t. I should get to bed anyway.”  
“Yeah. Maybe change your clothes first.”  
Harvey looked down on himself and sighed, noticing the dried bloodstains all over his shirt and trousers.  
“Carrie would blush at the sight of me.”  
Mike cocked his head. “You do kind of look like you killed someone, but it’s not full Carrie.”  
Harvey smirked and headed towards the bedroom. He ignored the burning pain his ribcage and swollen foot sent through his body while he searched his wardrobe for a blanket.  
  
Mike sat back on the sofa, put his empty glass on the table and tried to calm down. He was still beyond worried and didn’t really know what to do. The way that Harvey had been shivering and willing to admit not being okay had scared the shit out of him. He could stay here tonight, yes, but what would happen tomorrow? Could Harvey be left alone? In some dark corner of his mind, Mike worried that Harvey had not accidentally hurt himself. He tried to shove the thought away, but it lingered. He knew Harvey wasn’t the type of person to do something like that but nobody really was before they actually did it. He knew Harvey struggled, but he had no idea how bad it might be. He wished Harvey told him what had triggered his panic attacks and visible depression but he knew it was not his place to ask again. All he could do was to be there and offer to help. Accepting it was Harvey’s choice and Mike hated it. He hated how they had fallen back to banter and how he had fled from the situation when Harvey had noticed him still holding his hand. What was he doing? Why was he thinking about this now? It was more important to find a way to help Harvey than to reflect on god knows what was going on with himself. He could solve that puzzle later.

  
Something soft touching his cheek threw him out of his thoughts and made him look up.  
Harvey stood there, slapping him with the pillow in his hand, frowning.  
“You okay?”  
“Yeah.” Mike cleared his throat. “Sorry, I’m just…tired.”  
Harvey nodded and handed him the pillow. “I’ll get you a blanket.”  
“Thanks.”  
Mike briefly closed his eyes, silently cursing before he pulled himself together and finally slipped out of the jacket he was still wearing. He hung it on the wardrobe next to the entrance door, knowing how much Harvey hated clothes on the floor, and headed back to the sofa. Harvey was throwing a blanket on it, now only wearing some sweatpants and Mike swallowed at the sight of Harvey’s uncovered upper body.  
“Does it still hurt?”  
Harvey turned around to him, frowning.  
“The hand? No. It’s just a scratch.”  
“I mean this.” Mike stepped closer, pointing at the bruises on Harvey’s ribcage that shimmered in different shades of blue, green, brown and yellow.   
Harvey shrugged. “Not that bad.”  
Mike resisted the sudden urge to pull Harvey into a tight hug and just nodded.  
An awkward silence spread between them again and for a brief second Mike thought he detected a little spark of amusement in Harvey’s eyes.  
“Are you done staring at me?”  
Mike let out a dry laugh. “I’m not staring at you.”  
Harvey rolled his eyes again, the corners of his mouth curling up.  
“Good night, Mike.”  
Mike hesitated a second. “Do you think you’ll be able to sleep?”  
Harvey sighed. “I’ll be fine. Good night.”  
“Good night.”  
Mike watched Harvey slowly walk to his bedroom and flinched when the other man turned around, catching him staring again.  
“Thank you, Mike.”  
Mike just nodded and Harvey finally disappeared into the darkness of his bedroom.  
Mike stripped down onto his underwear, turned off the light and tried to get comfortable on the sofa, forcing his eyes close and waiting for sleep to come. His mind was wide awake and so he reopened his eyes to stare at the ceiling and wait for the night to pass, his thoughts racing in his mind.

  
For the first time in more than a week, Harvey felt calm. He heard the rustling of a blanket in the living room, listened to Mike’s soft breathing in the distance and something inside him fell into place. His loneliness stopped overwhelming him and for a moment, the heart in his chest didn’t feel like a heavy frozen rock. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to drift into sleep before he could start to question anything.

  
Mike woke from a rustling noise. He opened his eyes blinking against the insane brightness of the morning flooding in through the huge windows of Harvey’s apartment and sat up. Yawning and rubbing his eyes, he watched Harvey approach him, two cups in hand. “Rise, sleepyhead.”  
Mike reached for one of the cups and took a sip from the coffee, burning his tongue.   
“What time is it?”  
Harvey sat down on the armchair opposite the sofa, drinking from his own coffee. “Quarter to seven.”  
Mike yawned again, stretching his back. “I had forgotten that your sofa is a fucking nightmare.”  
“Maybe you’re just getting a little too old for sleepovers.”  
“Says the old man.”  
Harvey chuckled and Mike smiled at the well known grin spreading on his friend’s face.  
“Says the wise man, Rookie.”  
Mike snorted. “You didn’t call me a Rookie in ages.”  
“Because let’s face it, Mike. You’re not really young any longer. At least you snore like an old man.”  
“I don’t.”  
Harvey grinned again. “You do.”   
He pulled his mobile from his jogger’s pocket and touched the display. Recorded snorting blasted from its speakers and Mike hid his face behind his free hand.  
“Oh god.”  
Harvey burst into laughter. “You sound like a goddamn chainsaw.”  
The other man tried to snatch the mobile from his hand, but Harvey pulled his hand away, still grinning.   
“Delete that.”  
“Why? Are you afraid I’m gonna send it to Rachel? No offense buddy, but I guess she already knows.”  
Mike rolled his eyes and took another sip from his coffee. “Alright, alright. Sometimes I snore.”  
The recording got louder, revealing particularly nasty snore and Harvey chuckled again.  
“No wonder they tried to kill you in prison.”  
Mike shook his head but the corners of his mouth twitched into a grin and a second later, both men were laughing at the next chainsaw-like snore until the recording died out and Harvey let his phone slide back into his pocket.  
“I’ll use that as leverage over you one day, kid.”  
“Go ahead. If you want anyone to know that you’ve got nothing better to do than standing next to a sleeping man like a creep and record the noises he makes while recovering from hard work.”  
“Touché.”  
Mike grinned, throwing his blanket back and putting the half-empty cup on the coffee-table.  
“Speaking of work – you should get ready.” Harvey pointed in the direction of the bathroom and Mike slowly nodded. “I should.” He wanted to ask Harvey if he was going to be alright, but he felt like that possibility was off the table in bright daylight. So Mike tried a different approach.  
“Think I can come by after work? I actually happen to really have a case that I could use some advice with.”  
Harvey smirked. “Sure, rookie.”  
Mike rolled his eyes and got up from the sofa, stretching again.  
“There’s a fresh shirt in the bathroom for you so you don’t have to walk the walk of shame.”  
Their eyes met and Mike grinned. “You know how to treat a lady, Mr. Specter.”  
Harvey just grinned at him over his coffee-cup and Mike walked to the bathroom, shaking his head with a smile on his face.  
  
Harvey sighed when the bathroom-door closed behind Mike and swallowed the rest of his coffee in a few big gulps. His stomach rumbled a bit, but seemed to accept it nevertheless. Maybe he could actually eat something today. Harvey thought about a bagle from the coffee-cart and waited for nausea to come, but it stayed away. He smiled. Maybe he was okay again. This had just been an episode of devastation that was over now. He was fine. He put the two cups in his sink and went to his bedroom to choose a suit for today. It was time to get back to the office and be managing partner again.

  
By midday, Harvey had succeeded in calming Jessica down who had called him to make sure he was back to his senses. He knew she didn’t fully believe him when he told her he’d just been stressed and needed to let off some steam, but she was ready to leave him alone for now. Louis was awkwardly polite and Harvey knew he had to thank Donna for it. She still eyed him with suspicion, her smile a little too bright whenever he caught her looking and he tried not to feel humiliated. A tiny part of him was glad he had friends that actually cared. But a much bigger part didn’t want anyone to know anything. But that didn’t matter anymore. He was fine again. He had even eaten a bagle without feeling sick. Everything was under control. He looked at the email he had just sent to a client, content with himself for a second. Then he looked up from the monitor and swallowed. Harvey chewed on the inside of his cheek when he saw Louis approaching his office, his face full of worry. He took a deep breath and tried to prepare for whatever hail of questions might be coming but Louis was already through the door and approached his desk.

  
“What were you thinking?”  
Harvey put a grin on his face. “You mean when I decided to allow you to get your name on the wall?”   
“Harvey, I’m serious. Did you think I wouldn’t find out?”  
“Find out what?”  
“You…” Louis made that face he made when he was searching for words and Harvey hated it. The face meant that Louis really was worried instead of angry. He preferred angry Louis over the worried one. He knew how to deal with anger.  
“Louis, whatever your made up problem is this time, just spit it out!”  
“You could have told me, Harvey. I know you are managing partner and I’m okay with that. For now. But that does not mean you have to shoulder all of our problems on your own.”  
“Could you be a little more cryptic, please? I think a Russian spy might actually be clever enough to decipher the nonsense coming out of you.”  
“I just got a call from Carol.”  
“Who’s that?”  
“Our head of finance, goddamnit. Don’t you even know your own employees?”  
Harvey shrugged and Louis sat down, crossing his legs and taking a deep breath.  
“Anyway. Carol called me because she wondered where the huge amount of money in our account had come from. She said she was happy we were out of the red numbers but needed vouchers to document the source. For a second I felt like an idiot because I didn’t know anything about that money. I didn’t even know we had been in trouble in the first place. But then I checked where the payment had come from and when I understood it was your bank, it got me thinking. You’d been absent lately, running errands without telling anyone what business exactly you were attending. And then I remembered overhearing a fight of Rachel with her father, hearing her shout at him on the phone that the firm would never sink and that she couldn’t just leave. And then I understood it. It’s your money. You tried to save us without even telling anyone. When Robert Zane declined your offer to merge, you paid everything out of your own pocket.”  
“Louis, I…”  
“Why didn’t you come to me?”  
Harvey chewed on the inside of his cheek again, clenched his jaw.  
“I just wanted to fix it.”  
“But you didn’t. The bylaws don’t allow you to invest such a sum without consulting all partners. I implemented that clause myself to avoid a managing partner buying everyone else out.”  
Harvey clenched his teeth. He looked away, his gaze landing on the empty spot where the picture painted by his mother used to hang. He remembered the disappointment in her eyes when he had refused to accept her accusation that their broken relationship had been partly his fault. His fault. Everything. He was always wrong. He always screwed up. Everything he ever fixed broke again one day. Harvey swallowed as Louis rambled on. His throat was closing and all air seemed to be leaving his body. He reached for his tie, trying to loosen it, but his hands were already trembling too much for him to manage.   
  
“Harvey?” Louis’ voice sounded far away and he blinked, turned his head and tried to focus on the other man, tried to listen, but he words coming from his mouth didn’t seem to make any sense. The knot in Harvey’s chest grew and Harvey got up to his feet, staggering to one of the windows, leaning his forehead against it. He looked down on the wideness of the city’s maze of streets and forced himself to slowly suck a deep breath in through his nose and force it out through his mouth. His lungs kept begging for more air and his stomach rumbled, but at least it stopped getting worse. The panic stayed, but the wave did not bury him. He kept breathing, unable to hear Louis sounding more and more anxious. He didn’t notice that Donna was suddenly in the room, touching his shoulder and talking to him. He just closed his eyes and thought of the only thing that always seemed to help. “Mike.” It took him a while to understand that he must have said it out loud but somehow he heard Rachel – since when had she been here? – say that she had called him and he was on his way. He tried to snap out of his absence, wanted to protest, to tell them everything was fine and that he didn’t need any help but he couldn’t. The panic got worse again so he focused on thinking about better days when Mike had been here, joking around with him, having his back, looking at him with mischief in his eyes. He slowly calmed down again, hidden away from the world in his cocoon of memories.

  
Rachel, Donna and Louis exchanged worried looks and stood next to Harvey who still wasn’t responding at all. Rachel held her phone tight to her chest and swallowed. “Mike said he’ll be here in less than twenty minutes.”  
Donna blinked and nodded. “Good. Does he know what’s going on?”  
Rachel slightly nodded, turning away from Harvey a bit and lowering her voice to a whisper.  
“He didn’t want to tell me but he knows something’s wrong with Harvey.”  
Louis sighed. “Shouldn’t we call a doctor or something?”  
Donna shook her head. “No. He’d never forgive us. He’d only feel betrayed. He obviously wants Mike’s help and if that doesn’t work, we can think of other options again.”  
Louis didn’t look convinced. “I happen to have a history with people helping you out of shit like this and I tell you, sometimes you have to force people to accept help.”  
Rachel sighed. “You’re probably right, but he’ll never listen to us.”  
“Maybe Mike has better luck”, Donna said with a shrug. “Harvey used to listen to me, but this time he obviously won’t. Mike might be able to get through to him.”  
Rachel nodded. “Yeah, those two…” She sighed. “They have this weird blind understanding.”  
Louis nodded, chewing on his lower lip, trying not to feel jealous of Mike right now.   
“They have. Harvey hasn’t been the same since Mike stopped working at the firm. Maybe all this has to do with Mike leaving.”  
Rachel snorted. “He didn’t leave. He went to prison.”  
Louis put his hand on her shoulder. “I know, Rachel. It’s not Mike’s fault. But…you know Harvey felt incredibly guilty, right? I mean even I could see that…”  
Donna nodded. “It was eating him up. I thought it would help to get Mike out of prison, but apparently it didn’t.”  
“You know I’m still in the room, right?”  
All three of them jolted upon hearing Harvey speak and turned around to see him look at them, his face hard and unreadable.  
“Harvey, are you okay?” Donna gently put her hand on his arm but Harvey eluded her touch.  
“I’m fine.”  
Donna snorted, anger building up on her face. “Yeah, we can see that.”  
Harvey clenched his jaw. “Leave me alone. All of you.”  
Louis shook his head. “You don’t really want that.”  
“I think I know pretty well what I want and don’t want!”  
“Get out of here?”   
Everyone turned to Mike who had suddenly appeared in the doorway. He was leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed in front of his chest and smirked. “I’ve got some kicking ass to do and I could use someone a little scarier than me to help me threaten someone.”  
Harvey pouted, shaking his head. “I’m busy, kid.”  
“Yeah, I can see that. And I hate to pull that card, but…you owe me one.”  
Mike pointed to the bandage on Harvey’s hand and Harvey sighed.   
“Alright. Batman’s going to help Robin out.” He turned to Louis. “I’m gonna fix what we talked about earlier. I promise.”  
Louis shook his head. “Finance is my department, Harvey. I’ll take care of it. It won’t be a problem.”  
Harvey raised his brows. “You’re sure?”  
“Don’t you trust me?”   
Harvey swallowed. “I do.”  
Louis nodded and Harvey walked away from his colleagues, muttering “Get back to work. The meeting no one asked for is over.”  
Mike smiled at him and quickly gave Rachel a kiss on the cheek while Harvey was already heading for the elevators.  
“He’s not okay, Mike.” Rachel whispered into his ear and Mike nodded, his smile dropping.  
“I know.” He looked at Donna and Louis. “Don’t worry. I’ll talk to him.”  
He turned away and hurried to catch up with Harvey.

  
Mike looked at his former Boss after the elevators doors had closed behind them. His tie was a mess, he was sweating and Mike could see that his chest was moving up and down faster than it should again. He let his gaze wander down and saw his suspicion confirmed. Harvey’s hands were shaking. The older man noticed him staring and stuffed his hands into the pockets of his trousers, clearing his throat.  
“Who are we threatening and why do you need me to do it?”  
“Oh, I don’t. I’m scary enough on my own.”  
“You’re as scary as a puppy.”  
“Hey, don’t forget I’m a convicted felon. Prison has turned me into a bad motherfucker.”  
Harvey chuckled and shook his head as they made their way through the lobby and outside the building. The fresh air flooding his lungs felt good and he relaxed a bit. This banter reminded him of better days. “Prison didn’t change your pretty-boy-face though. Maybe you should have gotten a face tattoo or something.”  
Mike smirked and opened the door of the black car that had just held in front of them.   
“I’ve taken the liberty of calling Ray.”  
Harvey got into the car, rolling his eyes.  
“Fine. As long as you finally tell me where we’re going.”  
Mike sat down next to him, nodding at Ray and handing him a piece of paper. Ray returned the nod and let the divider move up. The car started moving and Mike sighed.  
“Can you imagine how surprised I was when I called Ray and he said you’d barely used his services the last couple of weeks?”  
Harvey raised his brows. “I took a cab now and then, what are you getting at?”  
“Nothing. I was just wondering is all.”  
“Stop being nosy and give me the facts. What’s the case about?”  
“Oh, the case.” Mike smirked. “In fact, that case has been settled…” he looked at his wristwatch “two hours ago. Because I already threatened that asshole trying to get rid of half his employees with the help of Oliver. And I was very scary.”  
“Were you?”  
“I learned from the best.” They exchanged a smirk.  
“But what do you need my help for then?”  
Mike sighed. “Nothing. I mean I rarely ever need it if we’re being honest. I’m a pretty good lawyer. Without actually being one of course.”  
“Did you just say ‘nothing’?” Harvey’s expression changed from amusement to anger when Mike nodded.   
“You heard me right. I don’t need help. Instead I thought I’d do you a favor for once.”  
“What?”  
Mike swallowed. “Can we be honest for a second?”  
Harvey shrugged. “Sure.”  
“You need a break.”  
“I don’t…”  
“Let me stop you right there because I’m not in the mood for bullshit. You’re exhausted. You won’t tell me or anyone why and that’s okay but what’s not okay is you acting as if you were fine when you’re obviously not.”  
“Stop the car.”  
Mike noticed the anger in Harvey’s voice and the pulsing vein on his forehead but shook his head.  
“I’ve got a great plan and you’ll have to live with it.”  
“I said stop the car, Mike.”  
“And I say drop the act. I’m your friend, Harvey. And no matter how hard you try to push me or Donna or Louis or Jessica or Rachel away, we won’t let you. It’s just one afternoon off, Harvey. Just a couple of hours without thinking about work. It will be fun. Trust me.”  
Harvey gritted his teeth and Mike watched his jaw tense up.  
“I don’t have time for your childish bullshit, Mike. I’ve got work to do.”  
“That work will still be there tomorrow.”  
Harvey chuckled. “Two weeks at that clinic and you forget how real work is done…”  
“You had a panic attack at the office, Harvey. One so bad that Rachel called me because you said my name while staring out of the window in apathy. I’m willing to let that go and I’m accepting you don’t want to talk but I’m not letting you go back to trying to hide from me that you need a break from everything. Not after that call from Rachel and especially not after yesterday night.”  
“I should have never called you.”  
“Bullshit, Harvey. You’re my best friend. I’m disappointed you didn’t call me earlier. I can’t believe that after all we’ve been through, you’re still trying to hide from me that you are a human being.”  
Harvey let his gaze fall and looked down on his knees, chewing on the inside of his cheek again.  
When he spoke, he sounded defeated. “Where are we going?”  
Mike smiled a little even though his heart ached in his chest.  
“Don’t worry. You’re gonna like it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the 75 (WOW!) people who left Kudos <3  
> I'd love to hear your thoughts on the story ;)


	10. Chapter ten – There's something in the way you roll your eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike tries to get through to Harvey and therefore reveals a secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I know this took AGES. First I needed three tries to find the right tone for this chapter, then I was sick, then I wrote a chapter for another story I'm working on, then I was sick again, then I had so much o do at work I just fell into bed when I got home (being an adult sucks bid time sometimes) then I wrote this chapter and deleted it and rewrote it and...HERE I FINALLY AM.  
> I hope you'll like it. It has some lighter moments and a bit of playfulness ;)

Chapter ten – There's something in the way you roll your eyes*

  
Harvey frowned at the changing scenery passing the window while the car kept driving.  
“What on earth are you up to?”  
“Good things come to those who wait.”  
Harvey sighed and rolled his eyes but fell silent.  
Mike smirked and noticed with a small smile that Harvey’s hands that lay folded on the older man’s lap had finally stopped shaking.

  
About half an hour later, the car stopped and Harvey snorted. “You got us to the middle of fucking nowhere.” He looked out of the window, wrinkling his brow. Outside everything was green and calm. They had left the busyness of NYC behind them. This had to be somewhere at the Hamptons.  
Mike just smiled and got out of the car. When Harvey hesitated, he poked his head inside again, looking at Harvey with raised brows.  
“You’re coming or what?”  
Harvey got out of the car and followed Mike who was walking away from the street and heading towards a treeline, a bag in hand.  
“We’re not going for a fucking hike, are we?”  
“Nope.” Mike kept walking and Harvey hurried to keep up with him. His ribs ached, but he managed to keep walking steady once Mike slowed down a bit, waiting on him.  
“We’re nearly there.”  
Harvey pouted. “We better be. I’m ruining my shoes.”  
Mike rolled his eyes in return and pointed to a growing space of blue behind the treeline.  
“See that?”  
“What?”  
“The sea.”  
“Well now you say it…yeah.”  
“That’s where we’re going.”

  
Mike sat down on a bench looking out to the rough sea, ignoring Harvey’s raised brows accompanied by a snort while he joined him.  
For a moment, both men stared out onto the ocean endlessly spreading before them, limited by nothing but the horizon. Then Mike leaned forward a bit, his hands on his knees, his gaze glued to the waves washing against the shore.  
“I used to come here as a kid when I felt lost. Father Walker introduced me to it one day after catching me crying after class. Some kid had made fun of me or something. He said if the sea doesn’t cheer you up, then what will?” Mike chuckled. “Ever since then, I drove here when I needed to. It’s the perfect spot. It’s too windy to attract people going for a swim or sunbathing. It has an incredible beach, the nice squeaking old bench and…this noise.” He smiled at the waves. “I came here when I thought we had been caught the first time, when I lost my Granny…Last time I came here was the day before I went to prison. I thought I wasn’t going to see this place for a while so I wanted to say goodbye to it.” He swallowed. “But fortunately, here I am again.”  
Harvey took a deep breath. “It’s kind of a nice place.”  
“Yeah, it is.”  
“Why did you bring me here?”  
“You reminded me of myself the day I first came here. I was miserable, you know? The other kids were cruel because I was cleverer than them and the whole orphan-thing…But I always tried to act as if it didn’t matter. I tried to let everyone believe that I was fine. Didn’t want my Granny or anyone else to worry or feel sorry for me. I thought that I needed to be strong and all that bullshit. Until that day I was caught crying and sat at this bench admitting to someone that I was sad and scared.”  
Mike looked up and met Harvey’s gaze, watched Harvey swallow and nod.  
“I see.”  
Irritated that Harvey did not come up with a snarky reply, Mike frowned. “Do you?”  
Harvey broke eye-contact and looked to the floor, nodding.  
Mike sighed. “Okay. Now imagine I wasn’t Mike and you weren’t Harvey ‘best closer in the city’ Specter and it didn’t matter what anyone thought of you. Can you do that?”  
Harvey chuckled. “What…?”  
“If you forgot about our past for a second, about the firm and about how much you want me to believe that you could never stumble or fall...could you tell me what’s bothering you?”  
Harvey rubbed his hand against his forehead and swallowed again.  
“I ‘m fine, I just…” He broke off.  
Mike saw how Harvey’s hands started shivering again and bit the inside of his lip, suppressing the urge to reach for them and hold them.  
“You’re not fine, Harvey. You’re not even okay.”  
Harvey snorted. “I think I know best if I…”  
“Stop it, Harvey. Please.” Mike got up on his feet and picked up a small stone to throw it into the billowing waves. “I’ve watched this long enough now. You’re breaking yourself and I am not okay with that. I’m not fine watching you pretend that you have everything under control, because you obviously don’t!”  
Harvey looked at his feet, feeling the lump in his throat and chest grow. He swallowed against the growing feeling of being suffocated and rubbed his shivering hand against his chest.  
“It’s just some panic attacks. They’ll disappear.”  
Mike shook his head, sitting back down next to him. Closer this time.  
“This is not ‘just’ panic attacks, Harvey.” He looked at his former boss and noted the looseness of his clothes, noticing for the first time that he must have lost a big amount of weight. “Whatever is happening to you, I am sure that you can fight it. But there is no shame in admitting that you cannot do this alone. I couldn’t if I were you. Maybe talking about it can help somehow…?”  
Harvey took a shivering breath and closed his eyes.  
“I can’t.”  
“Why not?”  
“I don’t know.”  
“If you can’t tell me why, can you tell me what…you’re experiencing?”  
Harvey blinked and couldn’t hold back a sad chuckle.  
“Well it’s not pleasant, that much I can say.”  
Mike swallowed.  
“You’re scared.”  
Harvey slowly nodded. “And I’m…it’s…” He took a deep breath and bit his tongue. “I’m sorry Mike, I can’t.”  
Mike nodded. “I understand. It’s okay.” Hesitating, he gently gave Harvey’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze before letting go and leaning against the backrest of the bench.

  
“So the way I see it, you have a problem that needs solving, right?”  
Harvey shrugged. “Apparently.”  
“Why don’t you want to call your therapist then?”  
Harvey shook his head. “She’s…it doesn’t work for me.”  
“Maybe she’s just not the right therapist for you, Harvey. There are others.”  
“I don’t think a head shrinker can fix this.”  
Mike raked his fingers through his hair and sighed. “Is there anything that I can do? Anything at all…?”  
Harvey looked up, shooting him one of his cover-up smiles that Mike instantly identified as fake. “You can stop being such a nag for starters. And stop looking at me like I was one of your charity-cases.”  
“Well you are skinny enough to be one.”  
“It’s called ‘healthy eating’, have you heard of that?”  
Mike rolled his eyes, threw another stone at the sea and they fell silent.  
Harvey closed his eyes and listened to the waves, focused on the fresh cold air flooding his lungs and felt his body calm down. His thoughts stopped racing and for a second, he was no longer embarrassed of himself. For a second, he really was okay. When he finally opened his eyes again, he felt more peaceful than he had in weeks.  
“Thank you for bringing me here.”  
Mike smiled. “You’re welcome.”  
“I bet Rachel loves this spot. Very picturesque.”  
Mike scratched his head, feeling his cheeks heat up without a warning.  
“Yeah, maybe she would.”  
Harvey shot him a curious look.  
“You never brought her here?”  
Mike shrugged. “ I have never brought anyone here before.”  
With that, he reached down to his feet and took off his shoes, put them under the bench, rolled up the legs of his pants, got up and walked into the waves without saying another word.  
Harvey watched him with bewilderment but smiled when Mike jolted a little as the water touched his naked feet.  
“Are you crazy?” Harvey shouted over the constant noise of crashing waves.  
Mike turned around to him, his hands in the pockets of his trousers, and smiled.  
“You know prison teaches you to be tough. For someone like you, the water’s too cold. But I…” He beat his heart against his chest theatrically “am a warrior now.”  
Harvey shook his head, laughing. “You’re nothing but a freezing puppy.”  
Mike shrugged, kicking the water and laughing when the wind threw it back against him and made him wet. The older man watched him in amusement for a couple of minutes, grinned at Mike’s attempts to hit a wooden buoy a couple of yards away with stones of growing size. Something in his chest warmed and sent a fuzzy feeling through all his body as his heart sped up again and the smile on his lips grew wider without him even noticing. This reminded him of the day Mike and him had smoked weed together. Back then it had been Harvey who wanted to cheer Mike up and they’d had a great night. He chuckled, remembering their plot of Harvey peeing in Louis’ office. Good times. Where had they gone to? Harvey leaned back on the bench, spreading his arms across the backrest and raised his brows when Mike started kicking the water again.  
“Are you trying to piss off Aquaman?”

“I’m just telling a fish to stop gnawing at my toe.”  
Harvey burst into laughter and after a second, Mike joined in.  
Before he could change his mind, Harvey reached down to his shoes, ignoring the jolting pain that went through his ribs, freed his feet and rolled up the legs of his trousers. Mike grinned when Harvey walked towards him, a frown on his face once the cold water hit his feet and let him jolt.  
“Fuck me, the water’s freezing.”  
“I told you it’d be too cold for you, old man.”  
Harvey reached down to the water and splashed it against Mike who tried to turn away without success. The water turned his bright blue shirt into a dark midnight blue and let it stick to his body. “You too, Brutus?” Mike shook his head, his smile gone but his eyes incapable of hiding his amusement.  
“Deal with it. You made me get into here and now I might lose my feet to frostbite.”  
“You did this to yourself.” Mike splashed a wave towards Harvey, making him grumble when now his white shirt turned wet.  
“What the fuck are we doing here?”  
Mike chuckled. “Nothing.”  
Harvey crossed his arms in front of his wet chest and tried to hold back a smile.  
“Adult men freezing to death for nothing. Sounds reasonable.”  
Mike threw another stone towards the buoy – again without success – and walked back towards the shore. “Is it a bad thing that I can’t feel my toes?”  
Harvey laughed and rolled his eyes.  
“So prison didn’t turn you into a badass.”  
“I am a badass.”  
“Sure.” Harvey followed Mike back to the shore, trying to ignore the cold creeping through his body.  
Mike was the first one back at the bench. He bend down to the bag he had brought with him, pulling two towels from it and throwing one to Harvey who immediately caught it and wrapped it around his upper body.  
“You brought fucking towels?”  
“To a beach? Yeah. Arrest me.”  
Mike sat down to dry his feet and pull his sockets back on and Harvey stood there and watched him, his feet buried inside the gritty sand. The corners of his lips twitched when his eyes landed on the shirt sticking to Mike’s ribcage and his heart somehow skipped a beat when Mike looked up and caught him staring.  
“What? Do you need a tutorial on how to use a towel?”  
Harvey rolled his eyes and joined him on the bench, following his model and drying his feet before he knocked the sand out of the towel and wrapped it around his shoulders again.  
“That was – by far – the most stupid thing I’ve ever done in my life.”  
Mike looked up from his feet, wrapping his own towel around his shoulders now as well, and frowned.  
“More stupid than hiring a fraud?”  
Harvey met his gaze and smiled.  
“I never regretted that.”  
Their eyes locked and as much as Mike tried to, he couldn’t look away.  
“Never?”  
“Not for a second.”  
Mike swallowed, his gaze wandering from Harvey’s eyes to his smiling lips.  
“Me neither.”  
Harvey’s jaw moved and then he cleared his throat, throwing Mike back into reality.  
They both looked away and Mike reached back down into the bag.  
“What now? Fishing?”  
“Nope.” Mike lifted a few pieces of firewood into the air. “Campfire.”  
Harvey chuckled. “Seriously?”  
  
A few minutes later, they sat next to a crackling fire on a thick blanket Mike had magically pulled from the bag. The day was slowly fading out with the sun starting to move down the horizon towards the waves that were still steadily crashing against the shore. Mike was staring into the growing flames, adjusting the wood with a small stick, his brows furrowed in concentration. Harvey chuckled. “Do you always have that bag prepared in case your inner boyscout misses the seaside?”  
Mike looked up and grinned a little. “I have. It’s my escape bag.”  
Harvey raised his brows, pouting. “Really? What else have you got in there? An inflatable boat? Fake IDs?”  
Mike rolled his eyes and poked at the fire again. “Snacks. That’s all.”  
“You’ve had food all this time and you didn’t tell me until now?”  
Mike grinned and reached for the bag, pulling out two small paperbags. He gave one to Harvey who opened it and pulled a bagle out of it with a smile.  
“So you always have emergency bagles set aside?”  
“Of course. What’s life without emergency bagels?” Mike chuckled. “I bought them at the truck before I came to your office.”  
Harvey took a bite, waiting for his stomach to rumble and nausea to arrive, but nothing happened, so he kept eating, actually enjoying the taste for the first time in weeks.  
“You’re a good boyscout. Very well prepared” Harvey mumbled in between bites.  
Mike took a bite from his own bagel and shook his head. “Never were one.”  
“Really? Would’ve suited you.”  
“They actually don’t just sell cookies and pack good escape-bags, you know?”  
“I know. I was one of them.”  
Mike coughed and broke into laughter, managing to burst out a “what?” between laughter and coughing. Harvey chuckled and hit him on his back until Mike stopped coughing.  
“I have sick knot making skills.”  
Mike laughed again. “You gotta be kidding me.”  
“No, seriously. I was a boyscout. Camping and fishing and learning how to survive in the woods…”  
“And you liked that?”  
“Well…” Harvey smirked, his lips twitching. “I hated it.”  
“Then why would you…”  
“My old man got me into it. I did like it for a couple of years. When I was seven or eight I thought it was cool. But the older I got, the less I liked the idea of camping and stuff. I stopped when I was thirteen.”  
Mike shook his head, grinning. “Wow. Boyscout Harvey. I’ll need some time to wrap my head around that.”

  
Harvey chuckled. “If you ever tell anyone, I will have to kill you.”  
“You want me to sign a non-disclosure or will my word to stay silent be enough?”  
Harvey furrowed his brows, trying to hide away his grin. “I think the threat of being murdered should the secret ever be uncovered will be enough.”  
Mike laughed. “But Boyscouts don’t murder people. They help them cross the street.”  
Harvey gave him an eyeroll and shoved the last piece of his bagle into his mouth, chewing on it before he replied. “I can make it look like an accident. I have skills.”  
“Like tracking animals or baking very good chocolate cookies?”  
“You’ll never shut up about that now, will you?”  
Mike shook his head, his grin still widening. “Never.”  
Harvey smirked, chewing on the inside of his bottom lip. “You know that I box, right? If you don’t shut up, I might have to knock you out.”  
“And throw me into the sea.”  
“With a huge-ass rock attached to your feet.”  
Mike leaned back, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “There’s only one problem, padre: Not even you would get away with that.”  
Harvey raised his brows, smirking. “Please. I’d easily get away with murder.”  
“Discovering your inner Annalise Keating?”  
“Except I wouldn’t let inexperienced greenhorns handle my business.”  
Mike chuckled. “Because you never did that before, right?”  
“That greenhorn was exceptional.”  
“Was it?”  
Harvey nodded. “Exceptionally annoying. Which is why I will even have to get away with murder.”  
Mike shot him a smirk over the campfire. “You couldn’t.”  
Harvey sighed. “Let me explain this for you, rookie. First, there’s absolutely no witnesses around. Second, I would just hit my head against one of those big rocks, call Ray and tell him we’d been robbed. All evidence of me being the one killing you gets washed away by the sea and it would take them a good while to even find your body because I would let them believe you’d been kidnapped.”  
Mike shrugged, a playful grin on his lips. “Fair enough. But what about your alibi?”  
“I was unconscious when it happened.”  
“But won’t anyone discover the tremendous amount of guilt you’d be carrying around?”  
Harvey chuckled, but his smile died.  
“No one would notice. They’d assume I’d just feel guilty because I couldn’t save you. Once again.” Their eyes met and they fell silent, the crackling fire and the waves now being the only noises.  
Mike looked away and into the flames when he understood Harvey was no longer talking about fictional murder.  
“You couldn’t have.”

  
Harvey swallowed, kneading his hands and opening his mouth without saying something. For a second Mike thought he had finally cracked the shell but then Harvey laughed. “Because I killed you.”  
Mike forced himself to join his laughter and decided to try widen that little admittance of weakness by returning to their banter.  
“Yeah. Maybe you could get away with murder. They’d call you the Campfire-Killer or something. But it’d break you.”  
Harvey snorted. “I’m unbreakable.”  
“You’d miss me terribly, you have to admit that.”  
Harvey rolled his eyes, but Mike noticed his lips twitching into a smile.  
“Miss you? You mean the tremendous amount of chaos and bad luck that follows you?”  
Mike held his stomach and flinched. “Low blow, buddy. Ouch.”  
“Told you I had skills.”  
“But who’s Batman without Robin? Maybe I should have recorded it when you actually admitted that you missed me.”  
“You don’t have proof I ever said that.”  
Mike grinned. “Don’t I?”  
Harvey shook his head, laughing. “Cause you always walk around wired now, Q?”  
“Q? You mean James Bond, right?”  
“Now that I think about it…maybe Miss Moneypenny suits you better.”  
“Pre or Post Skyfall?”  
“Post.”  
“Then I’m fine with that. Who are you in this scenario, old man? M?”  
Harvey pouted, shaking his head. “Bond, of course.”  
“Yeah I can totally see you failing the fitness test.” He poked Harvey’s ribs and watched him flinch. “Because I accidentally hurt you.”  
Harvey chuckled, but noticed Mike no longer smiled when he looked at his face. His own smile dropped.  
“What?”  
“I’m sorry, Harvey.”  
“What for?”  
“You want a list?”  
“You don’t have anything to apologize for, Mike.” Harvey cleared his throat and got to his feet, letting the towel slide from his shoulders. “Shouldn’t we head back anyways? It’s getting late.”  
Mike shook his head and swallowed. “You’re gonna have to let me say this.”  
Harvey rolled his eyes but Mike lifted his hands in defense, getting to his feet.  
“Hear me out. For once.”  
Harvey rubbed his eyebrows, shaking his head.  
“Fine. Shoot.”  
“I’m sorry I didn’t let you save me from prison. It was selfish, I know. But I could never have lived with you taking the fall for me.”  
Harvey swallowed. “I know. It’s okay.”  
“I’m not done.”  
Harvey clenched his jaw and Mike noticed that he stuffed his hands into the pockets of his trouser, possibly trying to hide away that he was starting to shiver again.  
“Alright. Go ahead, but make it quick. I don’t want to have to sleep on this bloody beach.”  
“I’m sorry I left you behind. I know I did by declining your job offer. I…”

  
“Are you done now?”  
Mike noticed the anger glowing in Harvey’s eyes, the tense in his shoulders but decided against backing off this time.  
“Harvey, I wanted to come back and work with you again. I still want to. But I can’t and I am so, so sorry.”  
Harvey nodded, his jaw still clenched. “Fine. I don’t care. Whatever floats your boat.”  
Mike watched little drops of sweat form on Harvey’s forehead and shook his head.  
“Yeah, you care so little, it just gives you a panic attack for no reason at all.”  
Harvey blinked, taken aback. “What did you just say?” Harvey’s voice sounded like a threat, his whole body language ordering Mike to retreat, but he couldn’t.  
“I’m not blind, Harvey. I see that you’re hurt and I know part of this is my fault. Because you think I left you behind, don’t you?”  
Harvey chuckled, turning his head to the waves in the darkness.  
“Not everything is about you.”  
Mike nodded. “Sure. I just…I want you to know that not working with my best friend any longer hurts me too, okay? And I didn’t decide against it, because I didn’t want to work with him again, but because I can’t. It can never be the way it was again. I am not a lawyer and I can’t stand the fact that we’ll never be that team again. So I stay away. Call me a coward, but I don’t know how else to handle it. Because I miss working with you like hell, Harvey. There, I said it. Go ahead make your jokes about it and dismiss all this as not important to you. I just had to say it.”  
Mike wanted to turn away, but Harvey grabbed his wrist, holding him back.  
He looked down to the shivering hand holding onto him and back up to Harvey’s face, waiting for him to say something. Harvey sighed, wiping his forehead with his free hand.  
“I’m sorry, Mike. I…”  
Mike nodded, making a step back towards the campfire.  
“I know. It’s okay.”

  
Their eyes met and Mike swallowed at the little glistening in Harvey’s eyes. He pulled his wrist from Harvey’s grip and let his hand wander up to the older man’s shoulder, squeezing it.  
“Can I hug you or will you really go full Annalise Keating on me then?”  
Harvey smirked. “You know she never actually killed anyone, right?”  
Mike rolled his eyes pulling Harvey in for a hug.  
Harvey stiffened a bit under his touch and clapped on Mike’s back, trying to pull away from the embrace, but Mike didn’t let go before giving him a tight squeeze. Harvey took a step back when Mike finally released him, trying to get some space between them while his heart speeded up in his chest.  
“We’re good?” Mike’s voice sounded a little shaky now.  
“We’re good.”  
Mike nodded and started throwing sand on the slowly dying flames of their campfire.  
“Alright. Lets head home. I’m freezing.”  
Harvey chuckled and helped him extinguish the fire.

 

They stayed silent most of their way back to the street where Ray was waiting for them in Harvey’s car after a quick call from Mike. The car’s headlights were already nearly in sigh, when Harvey suddenly cleared his throat. “Thank you. For all of it.”  
Mike swallowed when he felt Harvey’s hand lightly brush against his own and nodded in the darkness.  
“You’re welcome.”

 

 

 

 

*Chapter-Title taken from the Lyrics of Pink's "Walk me home"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks or bearing with me! And thanks to everyone leaving comments. They always make me smile :)


	11. Chapter eleven - Deep down I think it's all I deserve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike admits that he worries about something Harvey tends to do. Harvey doesn't take it well.
> 
> Chapter title taken from the Lyrics of Bellsait's "Landmines"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I am so sorry this took so long. I'm trying to finish the draft of my novel until the end of the year and invested all my free writing-time into that for a while.  
> But here I am again and I hope you'll like the new chapter.
> 
> TW: Mentions of alcoholism

Chapter eleven - Deep down I think it's all I deserve

 

Mike’s phone rang, barely a second after they had gotten into the car. He rolled his eyes and pulled it from his jacket.  
“Oliver, what is it?”  
Harvey watched as Mike’s face turned from annoyed to worried to sympathetic while he listened to the man on the phone. “It’s alright, Oli, calm down.”  
Harvey looked out of the window when Mike laughed and shook his head.  
“Listen, you’re gonna be great. Our strategy is solid. Even you can’t screw this up.”  
Harvey chuckled, watching the streetlights passing by in the darkness. Mike talked to the kid the way he used to talk to Mike. He bit his lip not to burst into a smile when he heard the call coming to an end.  
“Alright, Oli. Go to bed. I need you in fighting-shape tomorrow.”  
He heard Mike snort and turned his head to see him smile. “Yeah, we’ll see about that.”  
Mike ended the call, stashing his phone back into his pocket.  
“Sorry. Oli gets nervous before court-days.”  
Harvey smirked. “Oli, hm? Do you two already have friendship bracelets?”  
Mike nodded, his lips twitching into a grin. “Sure. And we mud on Wednesdays.”  
“Does Rachel already know you’re replacing her?”  
Mike shook his head. “Nah. I’m going to wait until the last minute so he can snatch me from her in front of the altar.”  
“You really are the runaway bride, aren’t you?”  
Their eyes met and Mike smirked. “Hopefully not.”  
Harvey swallowed and dropped his gaze.  
“Do you already have a new date?”  
“No.” Mike shook his head. “No, we haven’t. I’m kind of…I don’t know…not ready.”  
“How comes? I thought you two were eager to tie the knot as soon as you could get out of prison.”  
Mike sighed. “We were. But then I got out of prison and…”  
“And what?” Harvey watched Mike look out of the window and shake his head.  
“Nevermind. You don’t need to listen to my relationship-bullshit.”  
Harvey rolled his eyes. “I think I do. What’s going on with you?”  
“You’re gonna laugh.”  
“Most likely. Humor me.”  
“It’s just that I…” Mike looked at his hands “didn’t come back out of prison the same man I was when I went in. I thought this wasn’t going to affect me once I got home but…”  
“It does.”  
“Yeah.”  
“Are you okay?”  
Mike chuckled. “I’m good. Just different.”  
“Have you two been fighting?”  
“Rachel and I? No.” Mike shook his head. “We haven’t. She’s been great. I just kind of need time. To sort me out. My life, you know? Find my place.”  
“I  understand.”  
Mike teared his eyes from the window and met his gaze.  
“You do?”  
Harvey nodded. “I can’t say I know what prison is like, but I know you’ve been through a lot.”  
Mike sighed. “That’s why I…”  
Harvey lifted his hands. “I know. I should have never offered you that job.”  
“You meant well.”  
Harvey shrugged. “I wanted my best Pitcher back in the game.”  
Mike smiled. “I am back in the game, Harvey.”  
“But on the bench and the wrong team.”  
The younger man bit his lip. “I think I am where I need to be.”  
Harvey rolled his eyes and sighed. “It’s your life.”  
“This is something I need to do.”  
“It’s alright, Robin Hood. Just…the door is always open, you know that, right?”  
Mike frowned. “Actually, I didn’t. But…thank you. It’s good to know.”

  
Harvey pouted and looked to the window again. Mike hesitated. There was something he needed to talk about with Harvey. Somebody had to. And now that he seemed open enough to at least let Mike scratch the surface of his feelings seemed to be the right time. Or didn’t it? He didn’t know what to say. Harvey’s appartment building appeared in the darkness. Mike swallowed. He couldn’t let him up there by himself. Not after everything that had happened within the last couple of days. Not after he’d seen today how much he was suffering.  
The car stopped.

  
“This is me. You want Ray to get you home?”  
Mike hesitated and Harvey raised his brows. “Mike?”  
“I’m thinking about what strategy I’m gonna go with.”  
“Strategy? So you do want to talk about your case?”  
Mike chuckled. “My strategy regarding you, Harvey.”  
“Me?”  
“I mean…am I going to lie to you and say that I need some help with that said case tomorrow -which I absolutely don’t because we’re going to goddamn end our opponent tomorrow anyway -or…”  
Harvey opened his mouth, frowning, but Mike held up his index finger to stop him.  
“Hear me out. Or am I going for the truth and tell you that I think you shouldn’t be alone tonight and that I can stay because we’re friends and that’s what friends do.”  
Harvey snorted. “Go home, Mike. You sound drunk and we haven’t even been drinking.”  
Mike nodded. “See, that’s the thing. We haven’t. But you are going to once I leave, aren’t you?”  
“What?”  
Mike held his gaze. “You heard me just fine.”  
Harvey’s jaw tightened. “What are you implying?”  
“Nothing, just….That you’re stressed out for absolutely legitimate reasons and that you tend to go for coping mechanisms that aren’t exactly healthy.”  
Harvey felt his pulse speed up and the lump in his chest grow. His lungs felt tight. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and snorted.  
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.”  
“True. I don’t. But I know what I saw in your flat and I…”  
“What do you think you saw?”  
“Empty bottles. Plenty of them. Most of them shattered. You, bleeding and drunk. Just shortly after you had been hit by a car. Drunk. Oh and how could I forget – the bail receipt on your desk at the office. With your name on it. Signed by Jessica. Stating that you attacked a man – drunk. But that’s about it, I believe.”  
Harvey chewed on the tip of his tongue, his jaw tightening further so he basically spit out his answer. “You have the nerve to go through my things…”  
Mike sighed. “I didn’t have to. Donna told me about it when she called me today. Begging me to come by because you were non-responsive, having a panic attack and repeatedly asking for me.”  
“She had no right…”  
“Oh, don’t blame Donna, Harvey. You know her and you still left it laying around in the broad daylight.”  
“She shouldn’t have called you.”  
Harvey turned away and climbed out of the car with Mike following him.

  
“Harvey!”  
He turned on his heel, his gaze set to kill.  
“What?”  
“You need help.”  
Harvey pulled on his cuffs and chuckled.  
“I don’t.”  
“Sounded different a couple of hours ago.”  
“Oh you mean before you accused me of being an alcoholic?”  
“Somebody had to say it. I…Harvey I hate to bring this up but…”  
“It’s none of your…”  
“It is my fucking business, Harvey. Because I’m scared shitless, okay?”  
“Scared of what?”  
“That something is going to happen to you. That something has already happened.”  
“It’s just panic attacks, for fuck’s sake. You’re being melodramatic.”  
“Am I? Because your drinking and not working and your obvious weight loss don’t make me feel melodramatic.”  
“I said.” Harvey paused, swallowing. “It is none of your business.”  
“It is very much my business, Harvey. Because when that nurse called me, telling me you’d been hit by a car, I freaked. I was worried sick. I imagined you badly hurt or even worse and it…I…it tortured me.”  
Harvey chuckled. “Come on, man up, it was harmless.”  
“You really have the nerve to…”  
“To what, Mike, hm? To tell you I can take care of myself?”  
“I’m not saying you can’t. But I am saying, you’re not taking any care of yourself. I don’t know why but you’re obviously not feeling great and I…”  
“What do you care?”  
“What do I…? Seriously?” Mike threw his hands up, shaking his head. “What do I care? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because it hurts me to see you hurt or because to me, you are family. Maybe because I am your friend and therefore, I want to help you get better.”  
Harvey shook his head. “And what exactly are you gonna do,Mike? Tell me.”  
They both were practically shouting by now, barely noticing that people passing by were staring at them.  
Mike tried to answer, but Harvey was having none of it. He uncrossed his arms, showing Mike his shivering hands. “What are you gonna do about this, Mike? How are you going to fix this?”  
“I…”  
“Yeah, I guessed that. I am not a case, Mike. You cannot solve me by doing your research. I’m fucking…useless.”

  
Mike saw tears gather in Harvey’s eyes and he carefully made a step towards him.  
“Please, let me help you. I know I might not be able to fix this but I’ll help you find someone who can. You don’t need to be alone.”  
“Mike, please…”  
“I don’t want you to be alone.”  
“I’m better off alone. Always have been.”  
“Harvey, I’m sorry, I…”  
“What for? You didn’t do anything. I did. I screwed it up.”  
“You screwed what up?”  
Harvey chewed of the insides of his cheeks. “You going to prison…”  
“Harvey, we talked about this, I…”  
“Our friendship. The firm. My family. Myself. All of it.”  
“You screwed none of these things up.” Mike reached out for his hands, but Harvey shoved him away.  
“I did. Every single one of them.”  
Mike raised his hands, trying to make him look into his eyes.  
“Harvey, please. You’re not alone in this.”  
Harvey snorted. “Funny thing is, a couple of hours ago at that fucking campfire, I would have believed you.”  
“Sorry I said what I said. I shouldn’t have…”  
Harvey swallowed.  
“No, you were right.” He paused and his voice dropped to a whisper. “I shove people away. It’s what I do.”  
“Harvey…”  
“So they can’t shove me away.” He plastered a smirk on his face and took a step back. “You better head home now, Mike. You want no part in this.”  
He pointed at himself and turned away. Mike stood on the pavement for a second, staring at his back disappearing into the building before he started running after him. He caught him at the elevator. Harvey opened his mouth, but Mike shook his head.  
“Shove me all you want, but I’m not going anywhere.”  
Harvey took a shaking breath and bit his lip.  
They got in the elevator and fell silent.  
  
Mike took the keys from Harvey’s hands after his third attempt to unlock the door with shaking hands. He swallowed when Harvey gave them up without even putting up a fight. They entered the condo and Mike threw the door close while Harvey let himself fall on the sofa, elbows on his knees, his face hidden away in his hands. His shoulders were visibly shaking and Mike stood in the doorframe, not sure what to do now because Harvey was right. This wasn’t a case and Mike had no idea how to fix this. If there was a way of fixing this.  
“Cupboard under the kitchen-sink, in the bedroom under the bed, the bar next to the television and in the bathroom cabinet.”  
Mike frowned. “What?”  
“The alcohol. Where I keep it…”  
Mike slowly nodded, approaching the hunched up figure on the sofa.  
“You want me to get rid of it?”  
Harvey lifted his head and nodded. “I can’t do it myself.”  
“Consider it done.”  
  
Harvey kept his head down and his gaze glued to the floor while he heard Mike rummage through cabinets and bottles clanking against each other. He felt sick again but tried not to run to the bathroom, swallowed and kneaded his shivering hands. His mind was racing and all of his body told him to run. He stayed glued to the sofa nevertheless. He sat there, his skin crawling, his stomach rumbling and his heart running and tried to calm down. Every part of him hated himself for the weakness he felt and - even more - for the vulnerability he was showing to Mike. He was embarrassed of himself as much as he was ashamed. Did he really have a drinking-problem? He knew he had. Maybe it had been going on even longer than the last couple of weeks. Mike was right - he did have a habit of turning to the bottle when life got tough. He had never felt like that really was a problem – until recently. He knew he had been drinking too much and too frequently. But what else was he supposed to do to stand himself? Alcohol was the only thing that seemed to be able to provide him with the numbness he needed to keep going while all those unwanted feelings bubbled beneath his surface. It helped him keep the fear at bay. Harvey bit his tongue, starting to regret that he had allowed Mike up and asked him to help get rid of his supplies. The clanking noises stopped and Harvey looked up. He watched Mike shove his obviously bottle-filled duffle bag out of the condo’s door into the hallway and rubbed his forehead. Mike slammed the door shut and cleared his throat.  
“That should have been all. What do you want me to do with it?”  
Harvey shrugged. “I don’t care.”  
“There’s some expensive stuff in that bag.”  
“Keep it, if you like, or throw it away.”  
Mike nodded. “Ok.”  
Harvey sighed again and threw his head back against the backrest of the sofa.

  
“There’s one more bottle.”  
“Are you going to tell me where?”  
Harvey pouted. “I don’t really want to.”  
Mike nodded. “You don’t have to, but…”  
“I know.” He cleared his throat. “It’s in my nightstand.”  
Mike walked to the bedroom without a word, returning with a half-empty bottle a second later. Harvey expected him to add it to the duffle bag outside, but instead, Mike handed it to him. He looked up irritated but took the bottle nevertheless.  
Mike sighed. “That’s no expensive shit, right?”  
Harvey shook his head. “No.”  
“Okay. Get up.”  
“What…”  
“Do me the favor.”  
Harvey rolled his eyes and stood, the bottle still in his shivering hand, the brownish liquid swirling around in it seductively.  
“And now?”  
“Now” Mike pointed to the kitchen sink “We get rid of it.”  
Harvey snorted, but walked to the sink nevertheless. He opened the bottle top and hesitated. The bottle shook in his hand and he swallowed. His mind was telling him to drown the liquid instead of pouring it down the drain. He chewed on the insides of his cheeks, as nausea started getting worse and forced him to take a deep breath through his nose. Mike appeared on his side, watching him but carefully keeping his distance. “May I…”  
Harvey turned his head and their eyes met. “What?”  
Mike pointed at the bottle and slowly moved his hand towards it.  
Harvey wanted to hand it back to him, but Mike shook his head. He kept his eyes fixed on Harveys as he grabbed his hand that held the bottle and slowly moved it so the liquid started dripping into the sink.  
Harvey wanted to break away from Mike’s eyes, but he couldn’t. His hand seemed to burn under Mike’s surprisingly gentle touch and Harvey cleared his throat in a desperate attempt to keep the confusing mixture of feelings inside him locked away.  
“See? I told you you’re not alone in this.”  
Harvey held his gaze without saying a word. The condo was silent apart from the dripping noise of the scotch drizzling away. After a while, the noise stopped. The bottle was empty, but Mike didn’t pull away. His hand stayed where it was, his fingers nearly intertwined with Harveys that shivered under his. Mike’s mind seemed switched off as he kept staring into Harveys eyes that showed a mixture of fear, confusion and something else he couldn’t quiet put his finger on. Time seemed to stand still and Mike noticed his heart beating faster than usually the longer they stayed frozen this way. Mike didn’t know if it was out of worry or something else that goosebumps spread on his forearms. He swallowed and his mind switched back on. He hastily blinked, cleared his throat and pulled his hand away from Harvey’s. Harvey immediately looked away, putting the empty bottle into the bin next to the fridge at the other end to the room.

  
“You should go. It’s late.”  
“I don’t…”  
“I promise I won’t be drinking.”  
Mike nodded. “I know you won’t. But you’re still shaking.”  
Harvey smirked. “I’m used to it by now.”  
Mike swallowed. “The thing is, Harvey, my back just loves your horrible sofa so much…”  
Harvey rolled his eyes. “Alright, kid. Suit yourself.”

  
An awkward silence spread between them and stayed while Harvey handed Mike the same blanket and pillow as the last time. Mike texted Rachel that he was staying with Harvey tonight while Harvey was at the bathroom. Afterwards, he threw his phone on the pillow now laying on the sofa and started getting out of his jacket, tie and still slightly wet shirt. He tried to calm the nervous feeling in his stomach down and ignored the aching in his chest. Mike didn’t know what to do. He wanted to help Harvey, but he felt helpless. He had never seen his this way – this hurt, this scared, this vulnerable. Mike took a deep breath and rubbed his forehead. He would think about solutions tomorrow. Maybe he’d search for a better therapist and try to convince Harvey to see one again. He could ask Louis if his therapist had any recommendable colleagues. For now all he could do was to be there. That seemed horribly little to Mike, but it was better than nothing. Leaving Harvey alone while he was obviously in constant panic seemed impossible to him. He was scared for Harvey to do something stupid again, to get into trouble, to get hurt again. A shiver ran down his spine and Mike tried to shake the thought of losing Harvey. This wasn’t going to happen. Not on his watch. He ran his hands through his hair and looked to the closed bathroom-door, asking himself if Harvey was really just brushing his teeth in there of if he was hiding away from him. He knew the older man was ashamed of the state he was in. Mike thought that was bullshit, but knew there was nothing he could do about it. He was actually surprised he was allowed to stay the night and that Harvey had actually asked for his help. Mike sat down on the sofa and looked at his hands. His gaze fell on the hand that had touched Harvey’s. Way longer than necessary. Something warmed up inside him. What was that feeling? He sighed again, confused. He was worried, that was all. It meant nothing.

  
The bathroom door opened and Harvey walked to his bedroom silently. Mike hesitated for a second before he went to the bathroom to get ready for sleeping.  
  


Harvey lay in the darkness of his bedroom, his whole body tensed up and his mind a confused, scared mess. He rolled on his still hurting side, trembling and biting his lip not to let out a sob. He was pathetic and now Mike knew it. He was a hopeless mess. Nobody deserved to have to be around him. He clenched his fists. God, he desperately wanted a drink. Why had he allowed Mike to talk him out of drinking? What for? What did it matter if he drank or not? Panic crawled up his back, over his shoulders to his chest and down into his stomach. He felt sick. He rolled back onto his back and let out a sigh. This was going to be a very long night.

 

 

It was the middle of the night when Mike suddenly woke from the light doze he had finally drifted into. He sat up, listening to the noise that had awoken him and immediately felt his heart burn in his chest again. He heard gagging from the bathroom and threw his blanket back to get up. After a few quick steps, he stood in front of the bathroom door and softly knocked.  
“Harvey, are you okay?”  
He heard another gag followed by a spitting sound and the toilet flushing. “Harvey?”  
A sight, then another spitting sound. “I’m great. Go back to sleep.”  
Harvey’s voice sounded weak and Mike’s hand lingered on the door handle. He knew he was overstepping a boundary, but he pressed it down nevertheless. The door was unlocked. 

Harvey was kneeling in front of the toilet, his hands clenching the edge of the toilet seat, his knuckles white. He was visibly shaking and Mike could hear him wheeze hectically between gags. Mike felt his eyes turn wet and he swallowed to get rid of the lump in his throat. Ignoring the big possibility that Harvey might punch him for this later, he knelt down next to the older man and put his hand on his back. Harvey flinched and turned his head to him, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

 

“Get out.” His voice was barely more than a trembling whisper and Mike just shook his head.  
He let his hand gently circle over Harvey’s hunched back. “I’m not going anywhere.”  
Harvey weakly tried to shove him away but there was no real anger behind it and Mike’s heart skipped a beat when he saw Harvey’s lips tremble. He was still badly shaking and rapidly heaving air into his lungs, but at least the gagging had stopped.  
Mike kept rubbing his back, fixing his gaze on the other man’s eyes that were full of sadness and fear. Mike noted how his lips where starting to turn blue and felt his own fear grow. Ignoring the tightness in his own chest, he carefully moved a little closer, placing his free hand on Harvey’s shoulders. “Try to take deep breaths, okay?”  
Harvey blinked and let his gaze drop.  
“It’s okay, I’m here.” Mike softly pressed his shoulder. “Try to focus on me. We’ll get you out of this together.”  
Harvey didn’t react and Mike felt his heart drop.  
“Hey!” He softly slapped the other man’s cheek. “Look at me!”  
Harvey looked up, meeting his eyes and swallowed.  
“I can’t breathe.”  
“I know.” Mike put both of his hands on Harvey’s shoulders now, asking himself what to do with growing panic. “Do you think you’ll need to throw up again?”  
Harvey shook his head.  
“Come on, let’s get you out of here.” He stood up, offering his hand and Harvey grabbed it, struggling back up. Mike saw how unsteady he was on his feet and rushed to help him.  
"It’s okay, lean on me. We did this before, right? It’s gonna be okay.” Mike carefully placed Harvey’s arm over his own shoulders, wrapping his other arm around his hip.  
“We’ll get you back to bed, okay? You can lie down and catch your breath.”  
  


He felt Harvey nod beside him and they made their way to Harvey’s bed, where he let go of the other man who immediately sunk onto the bed, his chest still moving up and down way to fast. Mike stood in the darkness, hesitating, before he sat down next to Harvey and carefully put his arm around his shoulders. “Try to breathe with me, okay? Or I’ll have to make you breathe into a bag.”  
  


Harvey nodded again and Mike pulled him closer, feeling him shiver.  
“In and out, slowly. It’s okay, I am here.”  
They sat there, breathing, and after a couple of minutes, Mike felt Harvey relax a bit. His breathing finally slowed down and the shivering got a bit less.  
“Better?” Mike whispered into the darkness.  
“Yes.” Harvey’s voice was hoarse and Mike sighed.  
“Thank god. Stay here, I’ll just get you a glass of water.”  
He hastily fetched him some water. Harvey took a small sip and swallowed with Mike watching him, eyes still full of worry.  
“Can I get you anything else?”  
Harvey shook his head and held the glass with both his still shaking hands, exhaling deeply.  
“You okay?” Mike crossed his arms in front of his chest, not really knowing what to do.  
The other man slowly nodded, put the glass on the nightstand and ran his hands over his face.  
Mike saw him open his mouth without saying something and stayed silent, giving him a moment to find the words he seemed to be searching for.  
“Thank you.”  
Mike pointed to the edge of the bed next to where Harvey was sitting, still catching his breath.  
“May I?”  
Harvey nodded and Mike sat down next to Harvey again, chewing on his bottom lip.  
“What happened?”  
Harvey shrugged.  
“Have you ever had a panic attack as bad as that before?”  
“Rarely.”  
Mike swallowed. “I see.”

  
He noted Harvey’s hand on the mattress next to his thigh and slowly lay his own onto it. Harvey flinched, but didn’t pull away from his touch.  
“I’m sorry”, Harvey mumbled, his voice still a little unsteady.  
“Stop apologizing. This shit can happen to anyone.”  
“I never wanted you to see me like this.”  
“This doesn’t change anything I think about you.”  
“If I were you, I’d make a run for it now and never call again.”  
Mike chuckled. “You wouldn’t. You would have probably slapped me out of the panic attack, but you would never leave me alone. Stop pretending, I know you better than that.”  
“You wish.”  
“You once volunteered to beat up someone who gave me a black eye.”  
Harvey’s lips twitched. “I did.”  
“And you threatened an actual murderer because he was threatening me.”  
“Ok, ok, I see your point.”  
“So this is my turn now, okay? Let me help you for once.”  
Harvey sighed and let himself fall back onto the mattress. He lifted his free hand and rubbed his forehead. “Okay.”  
  
  
Mike frowned. “What did you just say?”  
“I said okay. Don’t fucking make me say that again.”  
“Okay.” Mike let himself fall on the mattress as well without thinking about it. Suddenly his fingers where intertwined with Harvey’s and his heart was throbbing in his chest.  
“What the heck are you doing?”  
Mike flinched and tried to pull his hand away but Harvey wouldn’t let him.  
“I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sorry.” He tried to sit up, but Harvey held him back.  
“I didn’t say I didn’t like it.”  
Mike looked at him, his eyes wide.  
“What?”  
Harvey shrugged. “You calm me down.”  
Mike swallowed, unable to process this information while his hand was still wrapped around Harvey’s and everything inside him felt weird and warm and confusing.  
“Okay.”  
“This has been a weird day.” Harvey mumbled.  
“It has, yeah. But it had its moments.”  
Harvey hummed in agreement.  
Mike felt Harvey’s hand now resting inside his own without a shiver. Before he could think about it, his thumb slowly moved across the back of Harvey’s hand. It was surprisingly soft.  
“We’ll find you someone to make you feel better again, okay?”  
Harvey sighed. “Okay.”  
“Good.”  
Harvey cleared his throat, pulled his hand from Mike’s and sat up.  
“I’ve been keeping you up long enough. Go to sleep. You’ve got court tomorrow.”  
“Will you be okay?”  
Harvey chuckled. “I’m grant.”  
Mike rolled his eyes and stood up. “I’m only one call away. Wake me if it gets bad again.”  
Harvey made a waving gesture. “Yeah, yeah. Goodnight.”  
Mike sighed and shook his head. “Goodnight, Harvey.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you say? Do you think Harvey will keep opening up to Mike?

**Author's Note:**

> What do you say? Did you like it?  
> I know this first chapter is rather short, but I promise I usually write longer chapters. Like way too long never ending chapters tbh ;D
> 
> Thank you in advance for any comments. Feedback is greatly apprechiated <3


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